National Church Restructures

An In-Depth Analysis

With a decreasing consumer base and the tithing revenue stream waning, Bishop Suzette Johansen announced, in a letter to the Church on April 8th, 2008, a massive restructuring of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada at the national level. With current soul-saving rates at “unacceptable” levels, Bishop Johansen and the National Church Council have developed a five-pillared plan they hope will abate the CDO’s (Chief Divine Officer) wrath while attracting increased investment from shareholders. Johansen admitted she “knows you only need three pillars to hold up a structure . . . maybe even just two and a half if the two full pillars act as crutches and the half is like a stubby, gnarled leg,” but justified using five pillars “because the CDO has already tried the three pillars with the whole ‘Trinity’ thing, which seemed to accomplish little more than confusing the heck out of people.”

While the most pressing reason for the restructuring was a decrease in shareholder investments, Johansen is proud of how quickly the administration moved to fix the problem. “The CDO called, and we moved immediately, absolving our stewardship position in order to stop the bleeding. We fired the person in that position immediately, without notice, in order to maximize savings.”

Bishop Johansen’s letter, while informative, is written in church-speak and is hard to follow for the average lay person. Therefore, the Travestical has done an in-depth analysis of the five pillars, and translated what they mean into unambiguous language.

Pillar 1 - Effective Partnerships. By effective partnerships, Bishop Johansen means increased mergers and outsourcing. “We’ve been in full communion with the Anglicans for a while now, and we’re looking to increase the incorporation of our churches.” The restructuring plans also include talks of mergers with the Presbyterians, the Methodists, and even Roman Catholics. “It’s been nearly five hundred years since we, you know, stuck it to them,” remarked Johansen. “They should be over it by now.” If successful, the merger will create a protestant super-church that could rival both Evangelicals and Muslims in lobbying for God’s attention. Unfortunately for the restructuring plan, the deal does depend on Catholics admitting that they were wrong and we were right, an admission that pundits “don’t see coming anytime soon.”

Even if the merger plans fail, the restructuring plan calls for increased outsourcing, with current in house projects being contracted out to different agencies – Kairos getting the Stewardship of Creation program, the United Church getting Human Rights and Justice, the Anglicans and Catholics getting Liturgical Development.

Pillar 2 – Diverse Faces. “Basically,” says Johansen, “our fashions have really become stagnant. The men of our church are always clean-shaven or fully bearded, and the women settle into conventional, conservative hairstyles. Boring! So, we’re encouraging men to try a variety facial hair styles and women to let loose and express themselves with a crazy hairstyle!” Clergy contracts will contain bonuses for “crazy and hip hairstyles,” including up to a $2000 annual bonus for a mohawk/handlebar moustache combination.

“The Mohawk-goatee combo is worth a $1500 bonus, but when used in tandem with a giant sword gains the maximum $2000 bonus.”

Diverse Faces also refers to the artwork adorning the walls. “Nearly every church in the country has those two pictures of Jesus, the headshot and the one with the lamb in the stone doorway. And those two old people, praying before they eat! Ugh. Hello, 1953.” The restructuring plan encourages churches to hang pictures of Jesus doing “hip” and “cool” activities, such as surfing, bocce-ball, or watching High School Musical 2 on a big-screen plasma TV.

Pillar 3 – Compassionate Justice. “Of all the five pillars,” Johansen claims, “this is the little stubby one that we keep only to enhance our public image. It’s kind of like green-washing, where corporations pretend to be environmentally friendly but don’t really care about the environment. I mean, given the Jesus’ emphasis on social justice, we need to at least pretend we care.”

Pillar 4 – Focused Framework. “This is somewhat related to the Diverse Faces pillars,” Johansen explains. “Those pictures we do have hanging in our church are often framed in those gaudy-looking, wooden, gold, crown-molding frames. So not hip. So, we’re insisting that when congregations get their new, action-Jesus prints, they frame them in something less vomit-inducing.”

Although Johansen is unsure of how exactly, Focused Framework also has something to do with the structure of the church. “One thing is,” she states, “we’re experimenting with video-conferencing technology in the parish,” Johansen explains, “which would allow me to become the sole pastor of a 620-point parish. As Lutherans, we’ve always believed in the ‘priesthood of all believers,’ so congregations can just pick up the slack themselves in other pastoral areas. Imagine the savings on pastoral salaries!”

Pillar 5 – Spirited Discipleship. “If you’re anything like me,” Johansen states, “you probably hate at least half the people you go to church with. It makes going to church such a chore!” In order to help people bear the burden of an hour-long weekly service, the restructuring plan calls for larger communion portions, especially of the wine, and an increase in the number of times communion happens in a service to three times per service. “The extra communion should help take the edge off,” Johansen claims. Additionally, churches are to begin offering beer, wine and spirits options for communion-takers. A preliminary survey of clergy shows the whiskey option as being the most popular.

In addition to the five pillars, the restructuring plan outlines the creation of a new national committee, the “Committee for the ‘Hipping’ and ‘Cooling’ of the Church.” “We’ve got an image problem,” Johansen admits, “and it is this committee’s job to fix that.” First on the committee’s agenda will be the “cooling” of worship. Ideas floating around include the “sex-ifying of clergy” through new, more revealing albs and changing the Bishop’s crook to a hockey stick, in order reflect Canadian culture and attract more jocks to church. Also, to help church seem more like a rock concert, congregants will be encouraged to “put their hands in the air like they just don’t care” during some of the more rousing hymns, such as “Earth and All Stars” and “Let All Things Now Living.”

Some proposed “sexier” alb designs, for both men and women.

It remains to be seen what affect, if any, the National Church’s restructuring plan will have on the success of the Church. One observer sums it up: “It’s like they didn’t realize they were on a sinking ship until they were half underwater, and once they realized it they began throwing everything overboard in order to slow their submersion, beginning with the lifeboats.”

The Lonely Chaplain Flip-Flop

Parents of university-aged Lutherans are in shock after Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr. Raul Hartidaughter reversed his previous assertions and joined Facebook. Hartidaughter, in the Sept. 2007 issue of The Travestical, said “No, I am not going to be putting my profile on Facebook,” but has since joined the social networking site, much to the chagrin of concerned parents and students. “He betrayed our trust,” exclaimed one parent. “He may as well have told us he’s going to raise taxes.”

When asked about the change, Hartidaughter said that “all the campus chaplains across Canada agreed to join Facebook, in order to be able to use the communication technology students are using.” “Great,” said one parent. “A chaplain is supposed to be a role model, and he can’t even withstand a bit of peer pressure?”

A deeper analysis shows another reason for Hartidaughter’s change of face: “It’s a lonely job, being a campus chaplain,” claims Hartidaughter. “Students are so busy with school and extra-curricular stuff that I thought being on Facebook would help me be cool.” Unfortunately for Hartidaughter, when The Travestical visited his profile page, he had no friends.

The list of Raul Hartidaugher’s Facebook friends.

“Lucky for me,” Hartidaughter explains, “I’m pretty introverted and don’t really like people anyways.”

LSM Exec wallows in nepotism

Tiller family eyes Lutheran empire
“How could we let this happen?” cried one student. “They all seem so innocent. How could we have known?”

This sentiment sums up feelings around the Lutheran Campus Centre after students, in a rare moment of lucidity and clarity, began to realize the Lutheran Student’s Movement executive had been hijacked.

“The Tiller family has taken complete control of the exec and is using their powers to push forward a self-serving agenda,” cried another student, who has since gone missing.

The Tiller family began their rise to power inconspicuously enough, when Teleah and Brendra Tiller moved into the student housing at the Campus Centre. During their two-year stay, the girls developed a close relationship with then-chaplain Bonita Strictenstern. This relationship opened the door for the Tiller’s rise to domination.

Upon graduating from high school, Robby and Jaquelle followed their elder sibling to Saskatoon. The four moved into their current Lindsay Dr headquarters. The Tillers soon made their move to completely dominate the Campus Centre. All four rigged elections and became key members of the LSM exec, with Teleah taking control of the all-important and all-powerful position of president.

The group quickly moved to secure power, using the LSM Constitution as their vehicle, making several important changes in September of 2006, during the reign of Teleah. Several changes, allowing the Tiller’s to enforce their wills, were implemented, including:

• a quorum requirement was removed for the AGM (allowing the Tiller’s to run the AGM without others present).
• Several application/discussion processes were removed in favor of executive appointments, such as a first-year executive Member at Large and the replacement of vacant executive positions, allowing the Tillers to appoint Tiller-friendly executive members.
• Quorum for Executive meetings was changed to a majority of executive members, and the executive size was changed to 6 – 10 members – allowing the Tillers, plus their appointed allies, to push through their agenda with little resistance.
• The Elections Committee is no longer responsible for ensuring “the election is run in a manner acceptable to the membership.”
• Also added: “Any complaints regarding elections practices will be dealt with by the Elections Committee,” the very people who put those election practices into place.

Power becomes happiness: the Tiller family, clockwise from top-right: Teleah, Brendra, Robby, and Jaquelle. What do you mean it looks like we photoshopped Teleah’s head onto someone else’ body? What a preposterous proposition!

These changes are seen by many as a first wave of constitutional amendments furthering the consolidation of power in the hands of the Tiller family. Many students are concerned future amendments will completely solidify the Tiller family hold on power, including giving them access to Campus Centre finances. “They’re like the Lutheran mafia,” said one student, who was later found floating face down in the river.

Pr. Raul Hartidaughter seems oblivious to the Tiller’s power radius. “They’ve always been quite nice to me,” Hartidaughter quips, staring at the framed picture of the Tillers above his desk. “Robby and Teleah, those engineering students, even offered to redesign my house, and even do the renovations, for free! How could I not love them!”

The Travestical was equally alarmed to learn that Teleah and Robby’s parents recently moved to Saskatoon. In the short months they have been here, Red Tiller, their father, has already taken up a key position on the Church Management Team at Good Shepherd Lutheran church.

The threat of the Tiller’s ever-expanding power paints the future of the Lutheran church in Saskatoon a darker shade of grey. Only time will tell if the Tiller’s power will continue to rise, overshadowing and engulfing all who oppose their domination.

Student Perspectives

LTS has a new student union president – but is it a good thing?

Earlier this spring, Mason Kinko, no relation to the founders of the photocopying giant, was elected president of the Lutheran Theological Students’ Union at the Lutheran Theological Seminary. In order to maintain its journalistic integrity, the Travestical tried to get two imaginary students whom have different perspectives comment on Mr. Kinko’s presidency. Unfortunately, the Travestical found little variance in student’s opinions. Again and again, students asked us rhetorically “Who actually voted for this guy?” Since we had already done the layout for this issue and are two lazy to change it, here are the (only slightly varying) perspectives of two concerned students.

He’s a tyrant!
Ever since Mason took over, everything is so tense – a reflection of his personality, I am sure! I warned everyone, but they said “oh no, he’ll ease up once he gets a taste of power.” So much for that thought! He runs his ship so tight it’s about to burst! If we want something on the agenda, we have to hand it in, in writing, 7 business days before our next meeting – and if something isn’t on the agenda, there’s no way we’re gonna talk about it! In a meeting, if someone raises a point contrary to Kinko’s personal agenda, Kinko immediately rules it out of order. In giving his reasoning, sometimes he just starts mumbling gibberish! Like one of those crazy Viagra ads! What’s next, constitutional amendments giving Kinki solitary control of the union’s finances, and allowing him to remain union president during his internship and after graduation?

New student union president Mason Kinko, wearing his infamous “Listen Up” shirt. Kinko is known for wearing the shirt to union meetings, and pointing emphatically at his chest while yelling to gain student’s attention.

He’s a pawn!
It’s pretty obvious what’s really going on here. Mason is just a puppet, being used push another’s agenda forward. The puppeteer, you ask? His wife, Konair, of course. I mean, look at Mason. He’s just a scrawny, shell of a president. She’s calling all the shots. We all know nobody voted for Mason, and he’s not inventive enough to rig an election himself. Nope, it had to be Konair. She looks innocent enough, but I bet instead of a gooey inside underneath that sweet shell there’s a feisty, go-getter.

I don’t really care about the union, I actually didn’t even vote, so all this doesn’t really bother me. [I don’t go to the meetings, so why should I care how they are run?] I do, though, appreciate Mason’s attention to the details of language: specifically, his insistence that “Burger and a Beer” be changed to “Burger and Beers.”

Union demands not as they seem

Strike targets “fatties” in union

On Friday, Nov. 2nd, the union representing service workers at the University of Saskatchewan, CUPE 1975, walked off the job and began walking the picket line along College Drive. Having been without a contract since December 2006, one is not surprised by the union’s surface demands for a fair and progressive contract. Always the bastion of investigatory journalism, the Travestical has discovered the deeper, more sinister reasons for the union’s job action.

Concerned about recent studies regarding Canadian’s high levels of obesity, and unsatisfied to offer a voluntary exercise program, union leaders decided to make union members walk the picket line. “The average person walks 5km/hr,” claims union leader Rad McKeg. “That same, average person will burn 255 calories/hr at that same, average speed. During their four hour shifts on the picket line, that’s 732 more calories than they would burn sitting on their [expletive deleted] doing nothing.”

Many picketers brandished signs that subtly hinted at the union’s underlying motives.

Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr. Raul Hartidaughter controversially responded to the news by spending the afternoon passing out a variety of treats and dainties to the striking workers. Unwilling to explain whether this action showed support for the union, the workers, or the administration, Pr. Hartidaughter insisted he merely wished to get rid of the leftover desserts from his installation. When asked why he didn’t just eat them himself, Pr. Hartidaughter replied “Well, we’re not unionized.”

Blogger neglects updates

Former Lutheran Campus Centre abstainer Konair “G-dog” Barkbark, currently interning in Paris, France, has neglected to regularly update his blog, much to the dismay of his family and friends. When questioned on the subject, Konair quipped: “I’m just too busy chasing Parisian whores, drinking wine, eating baguettes, and disregarding personal hygiene.”

A New Day, A New Dawn

An interview with the new chaplain

In its continuing effort to bring you the truth through integral investigatory journalism, the Travestical is proud to bring you this interview with the new Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain, Pr. Raul Hartidaughter. In a Travestical first, Pr. Raul actually responded to our interview request, and his answers were so good we didn’t make any of them up. We’re actually serious this time. We think this is a sign Pr. Raul will fit in well at the Campus Centre; although, we are not without concern. Read on to find out more. . .

Travestical (T): What is your favorite color?
Raul Hartidaughter (RH): Actually, I'm red-green colour blind, so "my favourite colour" isn't a really big question. If you need an answer, though, I kind of dig blue. Black is nice, too.

T: How do you plan on ensuring the proper altar cloths are in place given the season, and, as a person with a disability, do you have any plans to make the Campus Centre a more disability-friendly environment?
RH: Altar cloths aren't a problem - for the most part they're obvious, and if blue and purple are giving me trouble, I ask. I also, in fact, plan to paint the entire campus centre (plants, furniture, cookies, everything) grey. Or maybe I'll get adventurous and make it beige. Then I'll never be left guessing.

T: Are you going to be putting your profile on Facebook? Do you even know what Facebook is?
RH: No, I am not going to be putting my profile on Facebook (remember my comments about being humble and timid?)[Ed: he was really trying to make himself look good in his initial response to the interview], and yes, I do know what Facebook is. I would share more thoughts about Facebook, but then I wouldn't sound humble and timid anymore. Actually, then I'd just sound old and dumb.

T: I have a friend who believes that he is called to a life of being a pagan. How would you respond to that?
RH: Cool - I have a friend like that too! Actually, he's probably my best friend (although I don't think I like to rank friends....). We pretty much carry on as usual - laughing, talking about our lives, trying to understand each other, usually just acting silly, always trying to be friends who care for each other. I figure that trying to change him would be a little like trying to make plants grow faster by pulling on them - it'll only do damage. I'll trust the Spirit to keep on watering and fertilizing (Luther once suggested that pastors are fertilizer, after all - the organic, natural kind of fertilizer, the kind you can buy at Early's with names like "Moo Poo." He was dead serious, and he was right!).

T: What would Jesus do?
RH: Jesus would say, "For heaven's sake, would you stop asking that question? Quite frankly, I'm not sure I know what I'd do if I were living your life. Just do something, and I promise that no matter how dumb or catastrophic it is, I will still have done everything (already) for you. Give thanks for what I have done, and get on with your life! Decide what to do! Take a risk! Sheesh!"

T: If you could have dinner with anyone from history, who would it be, what would you serve, and why?
RH: I don't know - Jaco Pastorius and Freddie Mercury. I'd probably make chicken, and/or maybe just dal (not too hot!) and rice, with some zingy vegetables to go along with it all. Maybe a little red wine too. Joe Strummer would pop in for desert, and the four of us would head over to Homestead (on Victoria and Main) for some ice cream. Why? Because I like Jaco Pastorius, Freddie Mercury, Joe Strummer, chicken, and ice cream. And Jaco, Freddie, and Joe are all dead, which I guess qualifies them as being "from history." By the way, Val (my spouse) and our sons Ben and Joe could join us for supper, but they'll be out of town that weekend. Too bad for them! [Ed: I’m telling your wife you said that.]

T: Was getting a haircut a job requirement, and, if so, are you concerned the board will come down with further heavy-handed decisions regarding your personal appearance/hygiene?
RH: It was not a job requirement. I first started to think about getting a haircut when I saw Bart Simpson mock graduate students with pony tails who only make about six hundred bucks a year - at the time, all three conditions applied to me.

Pr. Raul Hartidaughter, pre-board enforced haircut: “My wife also told me I should quit wishing I was 18 again and get a haircut and a real job.”

T: What was the most formidable challenged you have ever faced?
RH: Figuring out what the most formidable challenge I have ever faced is. I'll let you know sometime. Maybe.

T: When people see an insect in their house, car etc., their first reaction if often to kill it-- yet God beseeches us to take care of the environment. Where do you stand on that? Furthermore – do you recycle?
RH: I actually tend to try to capture insects and let them free just outside the house. I've sort of got this thing about living creatures and compassion, and about not trying to think that the life of the universe is organized around me and my comfort and ease. The "living creatures and compassion" thing, though, leaves me wondering about my menu selection for Jaco, Freddie, and Joe. I do recycle. I cycle too. Probably more than I recycle. But if I cycle twice, I guess that's recycling. So yes, I do recycle. Lots. [Ed: What Pr. Raul conveniently left out of his answer is his presidency of the Northern Bush Rastas, a group claiming to be “Saskatchewan’s Largest Mountain Bike Club,” but which the Travestical thinks sounds more like a terrorist organization, or at the very least some sort of secret hippy organization. As we uncover more, the Travestical will let you know]

T: Imagine you could trade places with anyone for just a week. The person could be famous or not famous, living or from history, real or fictional. With whom would you trade places?
RH: That's easy - Elsworth P. Farmtool.

T: Who was/is Elsworth P. Farmtool, and why?
RH: I'm not telling. What is this? Oprah? Do I have to tell you everything?

"I hope his sermons aren’t as long as this interview"
- Editor

T: If someone wrote a biography about you, what do you think the title should be?
RH: "Hey, Val, does this shirt go with these pants?"

T: What experience do you have in liturgical interpretive dance, and how many services of liturgical dance do you intend to do a month?
RH: None. Twenty-seven.

T: Describe, in painful detail, your most embarrassing ministry moment.
RH: No.

T: In 2 sentences or less, explain what Paul Tillich's theology would say about the road construction along Wiggins, and how that affects the freedom of all students to access major thoroughfares in Saskatoon.
RH: Paul Tillich's theology wouldn't "say" anything at all, for a "theology" is not a sentient being, unlike, for instance, Paul Tillich's cat, who might say "Meow" about construction on Wiggins, or his dog, who might say "Woof" or "Grrr...". Paul Tillich himself, though, would likely say, "Good heafens, ven vill zey be done wis zis darn construction??!!!"

Pr. Raul Hartidaughter can be found quivering in his office, Mon-Thur 9-4:30, and Fri 9-Noon.

A Letter From the Editor

Dearest readers,

The leaves turn, the temperature drops, and another school year begins. One must ask oneself, how can I endure another year of this drudgery? The first few weeks slothfully pass by; when suddenly, the first Travestical of the year explodes on the scene, bringing forth hope and joy, greasing the dull, grinding wheels of the University experience.

We are pleased to return this year, continuing to bring the best in thought-provoking, mind-expanding, Lutheran-related journalism. Several exciting changes have taken place over the summer. Firstly, the Travestical has made several contacts in Campus Ministry throughout Canada, and is hoping to unite Campus Ministry across the country by featuring some cross-Canada content. Secondly, due to several ominous circumstances, our publication is no longer anonymous. So, you’ll know who is ignoring your rants when you get angry and offended at something we publish. And finally, some articles may begin to take a more satiric tone, as opposed to the straight up parody of the past. You’ll have to distinguish what is what for yourself. (If you don’t know the difference between parody and satire, get a freakin dictionary, and make yourself smarter).

We look forward to living, loving, and laughing with you this year.

Sincerely,

A. Johnson, Editor
qhfpubco@gmail.com

PS - As always, the Travestical would love your article or article idea submissions.

Miraculous Turnaround

This article is a follow-up article to one originally published in the Mar/Apr 2007 issue of the Travestical. To read the previous article, please click here.

“Life is totally different now,” the understatement of the year from former SAG member Oleam Shankspeare. When we last heard from SAG, Shankspeare, rAndy Johansen and Robby Tiller were struggling to survive a harsh winter, and dealing with the backlash of student fears regarding their presence at the Campus Centre. Asked how they managed to pull themselves out of the gutter, Tiller responded “the sustenance and never-ending nature of the Campus Centre cookie jar was key. That, and student loans. We’ll probably have to pay for that later, but we can always hope for a clerical error.”

Johansen described his new life as “utopian,” saying “I eat least one meal a day now, if not two or three.” Additionally, Shankspeare and Johansen now have girlfriends, and while Tiller does not, he said he is “playing the field” and “has a few good leads.”

Asked if they plan on giving back to the Campus Centre community, their unanimous response was “Do we have to commit right now?”

Campus Centre Overrun by Throngs of Homeless Men

Although, they are all single and very good-looking

What began as outreach soon became an unbearable burden. “It seemed like such a good idea,” remarked one distraught student, wiping a tear from her cheek. “It could have been so easy. We could have driven across the river, given them food, saved their souls, put another point up on the Convert-o-Tron, and went home. But no, we had to invite them to be a part of our community, and actually build a relationship.”

Several students have voiced concern over the homeless men’s presence, stating they are a “not up to date with current fashions” and have “little to offer the community.” “When tithing,” stated finance student Ryan Baicken, “by my calculations, ten percent of zero is still zero.” Additionally, many students have raised concern over the fact that all three homeless men have spent time in prison and mental institutes.

Homeless and former SAG members have recently swamped the CampusCentre. From left to right: Oleam “Heartbreaker” Shankspeare, rAndy “Obviously Not a Hippie” Johansen, and Robby “Lady- Killer” Tiller.

Compounding student fears, the Travestical has learned that Robby “Lady-Killer” Tiller, Oleam “Heartbreaker” Shankspeare and rAndy “Obviously Not a Hippie” Johansen all belong to the infamous street gang “Single and Good-Looking,” known on the street as “SAG.” SAG has a long history of breaking hearts and causing whiplash in the necks of girls as they whip their heads around to check out the gang members.

Despite their history, the men insist they’ve turned a corner. “We like the Centre because it is warm,” remarked Tiller. “The cookies are easier obtained, taste better and have a higher nutritional value than road-kill and what we find dumpster diving,” claims Shankspeare. Johansen appreciates the location: “Merely a four-minute walk to under the bridge, and nine minutes to the YMCA, where it is fun to stay.”

Jesus Body Found in Tomb

Right next to Moses, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Crazy Old Man

A recent Discovery Channel documentary claims to have found the body of Jesus. Produced by James Cameron, producer and director of other famed documentaries such as Titanic, Terminator, and Aliens, the documentary examines the legitimacy of a series of coffins, recently rediscovered in storage. “It is pretty obvious that this is for real,” asserts director Simcha Jacobovici. “I mean, the coffin has his name on it. And if that wasn’t enough, there is also a picture. There is no way it isn’t Jesus.”

Increasing the credibility of the find were several other coffins found in the same location as Jesus’. “Along with the body of Christ, we found the bodies of Santa, Moses, the Tooth Fairy and a Crazy Old Man,” Jacobovici exclaimed. “What are the chances of finding all these ossuaries together? The facts don’t lie. Based on the evidence,” Jacobovici concluded, “we’re pretty sure Jimmy Hoffa’s body is somewhere nearby.”

U of S Professor of Religious Studies and Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr. Layton Quiche believes the findings have little relevance to Christianity, remarking “Who cares?” Quiche ended his in-depth analysis by saying “It’s actually a good thing the coffins had names as well as pictures, otherwise we may have mistaken Moses for just another Crazy Old Man.”

The coffins were found stacked precariously in the traditional burial method of ancient religious figures and fictional beings.

Despite the overwhelming evidence, some are critical of the discovery. “There’s no evidence this is real,” asserts one skeptic. “Jesus, Santa and Moses were very common names. Everybody and their dog has claimed to be the Tooth Fairy. Everybody has at least one grandfather who could be classified as a Crazy Old Man.” Pr. Quiche quickly added “Many people think I’m a Crazy Old Man.”

Penicillin: The Gateway Drug

The following article is the first part in the Travestical’s special 347-part series on the War on Drugs.

The story of most Penicillin addicts starts innocently enough. “It all started when I had an ear infection as a nine-year-old. Soon after, I began taking a Tylenol or Advil when I had a headache. In college, I started drinking coffee to help stay awake during all-night cramming sessions. Then, upon a doctor’s recommendation, I began taking an Aspirin a day.” Sadly, this is the case with most addicts.

Alexander Fleming first discovered and became addicted to Penicillin in 1928.

But what can be done? The first step is education. Nursing student and Travestical medicinal correspondent Airica “don’t ask me my middle name” Stockshelf explained the addictive nature of Penicillin. “Well, if you look at the chemical make-up of Penicillin, the molecule CO2H is present. If you reverse the order and write the molecule in standard form, you get HOOC, or, in contemporary English, HOOKED. Hence, Penicillin’s addictive nature. Additionally, there are free-standing ‘N,’ ‘O,’ and ‘S’ molecules. Unlike other more passive addictive substances, Penicillin is especially dangerous as it uses these free-standing molecules to promote the use of Penicillin ‘SOON,’ and as a healthy ‘NOON’-time snack.”

The addictive chemical make-up of Penicillin.

Due to Penicillin’s nature, it is nearly impossible to fight. We must hear the cries of those in need. “Find a cure for my addiction. I love the banana-and-grape-flavoring.” These are only a few of the countless who need our help. Write your MP, call your MLA, and beg them, for the children’s sake, “Please outlaw penicillin, before it’s too late.”

The many practical uses of Penicillin have made it one of the most popular consumer drugs today.

Global Warming Accelerates!

Average Daily Temperature Increases By Nearly 30° in Past 3 Months

A new report, leaked Friday, claims that global warming is accelerating more rapidly than first thought. Bryce Gravyson, Environment Canada’s recent winner of the “Most Likely To Bring Us Down” and “Employee Hot Dog Eating Contest” awards, brought the report forward, claiming “The people need to know this [expletive deleted].”

The report points to recent temperature trends across Western Canada. “Look at the data,” says Gravyson. “In January, the average daily temperature was -28.7° C. So far in March, the average daily temperature has been 2.4° C. “This type of drastic temperature swing hasn’t occurred in nearly a year. At this rate,” Gravyson concludes, “Saskatoon will be bakin’ like Jamaican by mid-May, and be a desert wasteland by the end of the summer.”

Quoting Swedish garage-punk trend-rockers the Hives, Al Gore, formerly the next President of the US, remarked, “I hate to say I told you so. All right.” Gore added, “One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one,
it's the loneliest number since the number one”

Despite the overwhelming evidence, some still deny the existence of global warming. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper remarked “My gut tells me global warming is untrue. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true. That's cause you looked it up in a book.” When shown the data, Harper commented “What am I, a brainiac on the nerd patrol? I’m no member of the factinista.”* Harper went on, saying “the real cause of global warming, if it ever happens for real, is the environment itself, and those tree-huggers who love it so much.”

Commenting from the White House, US President George “Dubya” Bush said “As long as there are scientists doing real science, the terrorists are winning.”

Opinion: "I am the Father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby"

I feel, with all the controversy surrounding my daughter, I need to fess up, and accept the financial rewards associated with what I have done. I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. I’m sorry it took me this long to admit it, but I am now fully prepared to take care of my daughter’s, whose name slips my mind at the moment, significant financial inheritance.

Travestical Expands to LTS

One step closer to global domination

The Travestical is pleased to announce its expansion to include the Lutheran Theological Seminary (LTS). Readers can expect the same informative and uncompromising investigatory journalism as in the past – now with expanded content and readership. The Travestical intends to become an unprecedented link between these two monumental and historic Lutheran institutions.

Early reports seemed to indicate the move was the design of the zine’s editor in chief, but further research discovered the idea was the brainchild of LTS management. President Right Reverend Pastor Dr. Kelvin Cuddlevee BA, M.Div, RNG* said, “Those [expletive deleted]’s wouldn’t know a good zine if it came and bit them on the butt. We see part of our mission here at this institution to be a prophetic voice in the world and we have enlisted some of the best people to make this happen.” Among other improvements, Cuddlevee promised that professor Dr. Jane “Pink” Floyd would “liturgize the hell out of [the zine].”

LTS President Right Reverend Pastor Dr. Kelvin Cuddlevee BA, M.Div, RNG* accepts congratulations following the press conference announcing the expansion of the Travestical.

Thus far, student reaction to the news is mixed. An excited student exclaimed, “I’m excited,” while Bartolomous Wheelie expressed serious concern over the decided lack of any mention of Paul Tillich’s work. Campus Centre frequenter Lerri Tynn Paulsdaughter remarked she “never really understood [the Travestical] anyway” and the zine “couldn’t get any worse.”

* RNG – Really Nice Guy

Totalitarian Library Imposes Fines

Proletarians form Twisted Sister cover band to protest

In an unprecedented move, the first in the 476-year history of LTS, library fines increased from non-existent to $0.25. The move came after a lack of books forced the library to restrict its hours in December and January. Library Technician Bowleen Dredd, surrounded by three floors of empty shelves, could only look on in horror.

Feeling the move is merely a cash grab for an already affluent institution, older members of the student body staged a sit-in to protest against “The Man” and “patriarchal society,” rallying against years of seminarian oppression. Students became relieved upon learning the policy is not retroactive. Many students vowed to withhold their patronage of the library to guard against “indiscriminant fining”.

“There were so few books the library was beginning to warp and melt! On second thought, it could be the LSD.” – estranged librarian

STU Librarian Doreen Parchment refused to return our phone calls. Sources close to Doreen say she chronically screens phone calls. Friends of Doreen say she expressed a desire to meet with financial advisors to solidify her portfolio and work towards early retirement. According to one close friend, “Doreen never really liked books anyway.”

LTS registrar Susie Avant-Garde decided to look on the bright side: “In addition to shedding our image of being a bunch of brainiacs on the nerd patrol, the lack of books could open a niche market for LTS. Imagine, ‘LTS, the bibliophobe friendly seminary.’”

20 Questions with Pr. Layton Quiche

Actually due to budgetary cutbacks we can only afford to ask ten.

As Bob Dylan prophetically sang in 1964, “the times they are a-changin.” With the departure of estranged chaplain Bonita Talkenalot, the Lutheran Campus Centre enters a tumultuous period of transition. Pr. Layton Quiche, the man chosen by the board of directors to captain the ship through these times of turmoil, certainly has the facial hair of a pirate up to the task.

Continually looking out for you, our dear readers, the Travestical took the initiative of requesting an interview with Pr. Quiche. Purposefully ignoring our credentials and connection to the community, Pr. Quiche refused to meet with us or answer our questions. But fear not Travestical faithful, a back-up plan created for just such a situation exploded into action. We consulted Madame Le’Treche, world-renowned psychic and tarot card reader. Madame Le’Treche contacted Pr. Quiche’s spirit on an alternate plane of being (while he was sleeping, of course). The following interview contains many revelations that we hope will help you get to know Pr. Quiche.

Travestical (T): What is your name?
Pr. Quiche (Q): Layton Quiche, but my friends call me Scooter. Oh, and I guess my gangsta friends call me Quichemasta Flash. But students can call me Layton.

T: What is your favorite color?
Q: Blue. No, Yellow!

T: What was the most embarrassing nickname you’ve had?
Q: Spanky McFlashdance . . . you know, I still love that movie; “Oh, What a Feeling!” Oh the music! Oh the dance moves!

T: Why did you choose to accept the position of interim chaplain?
Q: Well, there were a wide variety of reasons. I certainly found the lucrative pay (not to mention benefits) enticing. To be honest, I have been feeling a little old lately, and am hoping to mooch some vitality for life off of the students. At the very least, the students provide an avenue through which I can live out my dreams. Also, I don’t have many friends.

T: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Q: African or European?

T: If you could have dinner with anyone from history, who would it be, what would you serve and why?
Q: Probably Charlie Chaplin, because I wouldn’t have to listen to him blather on and on. He can’t talk you know. That’s why he made all those movies with no talking. Cause he can’t talk. I would probably order Chinese, so Chaplin felt more at home.

T: What was the most formidable challenge you have ever gone through?
Q: I spent seven and a half years in a Buddhist monastery in south-eastern Tibet trying to figure out how the hell they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar. I never did figure it out, and the diet of rice and yak milk was really doing a number on my digestive system.

T: Imagine you could trade places with anyone for just a week. The person could be famous or not famous, living or from history, real or fictional. With whom would you trade places?
Q: I would definitely be the famous, living, real person.

T: If someone wrote a biography about you, what do you think the title should be?
Q: “Elephants in Pink Tutus.” It was going to be “Superfluous Hair and Its Removal,” but that was already taken.

T: What experience do you have in liturgical interpretive dance?
Q: I spent my formative years as the Lutheran representative in the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, bringing the steadfast tradition of liturgy to the otherwise chaotic world of choreographed toe dancing. In the late sixties I worked with a group at LTS trying to start a liturgical dance company in Saskatoon. The novelty of it all really wore off with the LSD.

Ex-Chaplain administers hazing

Campus Centre hasn’t seen hazing like this since George “Slap-Happy” Franklin in ‘57

At a recent service, debauchery and controversy marred the Lutheran Campus Centre. While presiding, ex-chaplain Bonita Walkenstrict interrupted the service to initiate incoming interim chaplain Pr. Layton Quiche.

Those present described the scene as “shocking,” “traumatic,” “nauseating,” “perpendicular,” “outrageous” and “capricious.”

“Knowing Bonita,” remarked Pr. Quiche, “I actually wasn’t surprised by this. It isn’t widely known, but professors at the seminary regularly haze students in a similar manner.” Pr. Quiche concluded by saying the hazing “will definitely leave a mark.”

Pr. Quiche, unknowing of his forthcoming initiation.

Impressed by Walkenstrict’s vast knowledge, experience and ruthlessness in hazings, US President George “Dubya” Bush tried to recruit Walkenstrict for the CIA. “She’d make a great addition to our torture . . . I mean interrogation division. As long as Walkenstrict is not torturing . . . I mean interrogating people for us, the terrorists are winning.”

Learn About Other Religions: Pastafarianism

Pastafarians believe the universe is ruled by an invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster, who created the universe, including a mountain, trees and a midget. All evidence for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The FSM tests Pastafarians' faith by making things look older than they are. For example, when a scientist performs a carbon-dating process on an artifact, he may not realize that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. Pirates are deemed "absolute divine beings." Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages. They were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to children.

Online Special: For more info on Pastafarianism, see the always reliable and citable Wikipedia.

A Chaplain Remembered

Bonita Strictenstern

1996-2007She looked old for being 11.

A Chaplain Remembered

Exclusive Interviews,
Thirty Pages of Photos and a
Complete History

Letter from the Editors

“Beware of Sadness,”

Bonita Strictenstern sang in one of her most beautiful ballads, “Beware of Darkness.” “It can hit you, it can hurt you/Make you sore, and what is more/That is not what you are here for/And if George Harrison steals any more of my songs I will be forced to ‘pop a cap on his British [expletive deleted].”

It is in that spirit that we created this special tribute issue, the first in the Travestical’s thirty-four year history.* Like anyone else who cares about ensuring cereal has seven essential nutrients, we are deeply saddened by Strictenstern’s recent death from occupational vicissitude at the age of eleven. This issue recognizes that sadness, but it is also a celebration. It is meant to honor Strictenstern’s life and erratic behavior – the beauty, the spiritual ambition, the achievement, the inspiration, the tea and cookies. It is an offering from one small group of her fans to the many others, an acknowledgement of why she means so much to us.

“That was really weird,” Strictenstern remarked after receiving a barrage of neo-conservative religious fundamentalism from an intoxicated Seventh-day Adventist. “He was definitely high or something. I believe that.”

As well as a proclamation of faith, that statement was a challenge: It is essential human work to keep the spirit of the people you love alive within yourself. We can feel Bonita Strictenstern within these pages, and we hope that you will, too.

* we’ve actually only been around for four months.

Sometimes Things Are Not As They Seem

Despite giving a perfectly reasonable reason for her departure, one that could be fact-checked by simply making a few phone calls, the Travestical has reason to believe campus chaplain Bonita Strictenstern has not been completely truthful in divulging her motivation for leaving. The Travetical’s crack team of investigative journalists has been working the scene, sniffing around for clues as to the real reason for Stricternstern’s desertion. Here are their discoveries. Although the investigation continues, we wanted to keep you, our readers, the sole reason for which we exist, informed.

Finances
The allure of the bountiful Alberta economy was too much for Strictenstern too handle. Years of lavish spending while only having a measly chaplain’s paycheck has caused Strictenstern to become ridden with debt. In order to turn her life around and pay off the debt as fast as possible, Strictenstern has sunk as low as to take a high-rolling position in Alberta and move in with her parents, maximizing her income while minimizing her expenses. The ensuing four-month separation between Strictenstern and her husband could be a move to take advantage of tax breaks.

Did the allure of big bucks prove too tempting for the chaplain?

Psychological breakdown
After years of putting up with student’s [expletive deleted], Strictenstern couldn’t take it anymore. The continued stress of supporting immature and under-developed human beings slowly wore Strictenstern down, prompting Strictenstern to flee to the remote wilderness of the Cascade Mountains in Washington State during the summer of 2006. Feeling adequately refreshed and rejuvenated to attempt a comeback, Strictenstern’s psyche soon spiraled downward after returning to the familiar grind of everyday chaplaincy. Believing she could not survive the remainder of the school year, Strictenstern offered her resignation for the end of January.

Pregnancy
It is common knowledge amongst Campus Centre frequenters that when Strictenstern asks a multiple choice question, the correct answer is always “d.” So when Strictenstern announced her resignation via a multiple choice question and the correct answer was “c,” the students knew something was up. Answer “d” was the admission that Strictenstern was with child, which many have taken as Strictenstern’s announcement of her pregnancy to those closest to her while keeping the information from mere acquaintances. Students have reported Strictenstern’s poor punctuality of late, presumably due to morning sickness, as well as Strictenstern continual complaints of fatigue, headaches, light headedness, and heartburn while making increasingly frequent and drawn-out trips to the bathroom.

Is there a bun in the oven?

Forced to resign
At first meeting, Strictenstern seems laid back and easy to get along with. But once you got to know her a little more, her true colors began to shine through. Strictenstern’s temperament made her hard to get along with. She quickly became arrogant, demanding students help with mailings, sign cookie thank you letters without allowing them to read the details, and conscripting students to help lead worship. She even had the gall to post a sign in the kitchen, “Please don’t oppress the chaplain. Wash the dishes.” Strictenstern was additionally difficult with her board of directors, demanding annual salary increases, reduced hours and increased vacation time under threat of Strictenstern forming a union.

Did Bishop Mindy pull the plug on Strictenstern's chaplaincy?

Shame from the Travestical
We at the Travestical feel we must come forth with our admission of guilt in having a part in Strictenstern’s departure. After ten years of running the show unchecked, Strictenstern could not adapt to having such a thorough investigatory body such as the Travestical keeping her accountable. Although we are sorry for Strictenstern’s departure, we do not apologize for our part in it. It is our duty to report things as they are, and to keep those in power accountable to you, the citizens of our great and noble nation. Without such great institutions as the Travestical, Canadian society would soon go south, into a murky pool of faux-Americana ideals such as liberty and freedom. We are free now, and must continue to stand in the face of our enemies! Long Live the Queen!

In Conclusion: The Truth
The Travestical has discovered that the true reason for Strictenstern’s departure is all of the above. That’s right, Strictenstern’s financial crisis, psychological breakdown, pregnancy, belligerent attitude and increasing paranoia of being reported in the Travestical led to the campus ministry board of directors and the synod demanding her resignation. Strictenstern’s tale is a sad one of a young excited chaplain entering a downward spiral into oblivion. It may be the sole purpose of Strictenstern’s life to simply be a warning to others: don’t eat yellow snow. When reflecting on Strictenstern’s life and times, we are continuously reminded of when someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?"

The Question

In the wake of devastation caused by the announced departure of campus chaplain Bonita Strictenstern, there seems only to be one lingering question(other than the everlasting mystery of who stole the cookie from the cookie jar - our money is on Bonita, she spends more time alone at the centre than anyone else, plus she has keys and could sneak in at night): who will the interim chaplain be? To help ease student anxiety, we here at the Travestical have compiled a shortlist of the likely candidates.

Who will fill the campus ministry void?

Elvis Presley (aka “The King”) - Despite being dead (and not being ordained for that matter), Elvis has many redeeming qualities that would make him a perfect fit for the job of campus chaplain. The music ministry would be rockin’, and we’re sure those dance skills are transferable to a liturgical setting. We foresee especially effective ministry to 1950s pre-pubescent girls. Odds – 3:1

Bonita Strictenstern – We wouldn’t put it past Bonita to cook up a story about how she’s leaving just to get attention – we’ve been hearing all the people telling Bonita how much they love her, and how much they’ll miss her. And anyone who knows Bonita can surely tell you how much of an attention hog she is. Odds – 6:1

Jesus – the Great I Am Himself! What could be better timing for the second coming? It would save the board of directors the agony of choosing a replacement, and you know he’d give at least ten percent of his salary back to the ministry. Heck – he’d probably give twenty! Odds - 4:1

You'll Do What on my Parade?

Students gathered one warm, spring evening, to delight in company and enjoy a Lenten meal. Dinner happily passed with pleasantries exchange amongst all present. Following dessert, Chaplain Bonita Strictenstern presided over a brief service. After giving a captivating and thorough background on the season of Lent, Strictenstern went on to explain why she herself decided not to partake in the tradition of giving up a vice for Lent, remarking she thought the practice put too much emphasis on the individual and took the focus off God. Strictenstern concluded with an apology, making it known she didn’t want to “poop on anyone’s parade.”

An awkward silence ensued. One brave student, Roberto the White, broke the silence, declaring “um, Bonita, I’m pretty sure that’s not a saying.” Another student, Stephen S. Scottzpatrick, remarked “I can’t even imagine that.”

Game turns chaplain into "ferocious beast"

In addition to being a place of prayer, worship, and learning, the Lutheran Campus Centre is a place of family, fun, fellowship, and other things that start with “f”. Following worship one cold winter evening, students gathered ‘round the kitchen table for a lively game of spoons. Spoons is a curious game: it brings out the best and worst in people. On this particular night, participants forgot their inhibitions and the game became very rowdy. Just because one is a campus chaplain does not make one exempt from such debauchery. Normally docile chaplain Bonita Strictenstern put aside all reservations, releasing her pent up rage from constantly dealing with students.

A police sketch of Strictenstern as described by an eye-witness

Witnesses described Strictenstern’s mood as “ferocious,” “merciless,” and “bloodthirsty.” The game climaxed with Strictenstern diving face-first across the table, latching onto the spoon in an unsuspecting student’s hand. A power struggle ensued, a wrestling match between student and chaplain. When the dust cleared, the chaplain emerged victorious, spoon in hand. Standing over the defeated student, Strictenstern rubbed it in, taunting “na-na na-na na na.”

January Quotes

Nobody cares if you are miserable, so you might as well be happy.

– Cynthia Nelms

This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is perhaps the end of the beginning.

– Winston Churchill

We must believe in free will. We have no other choice.

– Isaac Singer

As long as my dear Bonita is leaving, the terrorists are winning.

- US President George “Dubya” Bush

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

- Unknown

Mennonite Spy Infiltrates Centre!

The Travestical has learned that Miriam Harder, a regular Lutheran Campus Centre attendee, is in fact a Mennonite spy.

“I would have never believed it if I didn’t overhear her reporting to her superiors,” one student said. The student wishes to remain anonymous as he fears for his life but felt he needed to come forward “to ensure the safety of my fellow Lutherans.”

Harder was overheard reporting the details of recent happenings at the Campus Centre. What the Mennonites hope to gain from Harder’s espionage is unclear. “In fact,” says U of S History professor, editor of the Canadian Journal of History, and Russian history expert John McBoomstick, “if the Mennonites are anything like the KGB, which I think they are, Harder herself likely doesn’t know the purpose of her mission, or even that she is on a mission at all. So if Harder denies her being a spy, to the best of her knowledge she isn’t lying.” McBoomstick also warned it is a Mennonite spy tactic to sarcastically agree when accused of something, convincing the accuser of the spy’s innocence. “Essentially,” McBoomstick concludes, “there is no way Harder is not a spy.”

Harder in her traditional Mennonite dress

Chaplain Pr Bonita Falkenstrict was surprised to hear of Harder’s espionage, but quickly looked at bright side: “Hey, this is a great opportunity to save the soul of one of those heathen Mennonites.”

Harder’s espionage is of grave concern to many Campus Centre regulars, as she has recently taken a leadership role. Harder is in charge of a community involvement group which spends time at a 20th Street ministry. It is rumored this activity is a ploy to get unsuspecting Lutherans to the west-side, where there are several Mennonite control centers. Harder then kidnaps the Lutheran volunteers, interrogates and tortures them, conducts illegal and harmful experiments on them and erases their memories with superior Mennonite spy technology. “I always feel different after volunteering,” says one student. “It’s like something in me has changed.”

It is also rumored Harder has been inviting students to her farm under the guise of helping with the sheep. It is almost certain “sheep” is a Mennonite code word, but its meaning is uncertain. Known as a Mennonite stronghold, the atrocities students endure on the farm are unimaginable.

American president George W. Bush commented that “as long as there are terrorists on the loose, the Mennonites are winning.”

Chaplain limits speaking topics

In an unprecedented move, Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr Bonita Frankenstein has put strict limits on what she will talk about with students. The limitations are posted on her office door on a bright green piece of paper, ensuring all who enter have checked that their topic is acceptable.

“I’m tired of talking about the same old stuff every year,” Pr Frankenstein remarked. “I thought making this list would spice things up a bit.” When asked how closely she will stick to the list, Pr Frankenstein said “Like super super-uber-duper super glue.” [sic]

Although the list is fairly extensive and covers a wide range of topics, many students are feeling left out. “Some of my favorite moments at the Centre have been talking with Bonita about all the current hairstyles and fashion trends. Now that I can’t talk to her about that, I feel like I don’t have anything in common with her. I just don’t relate.”

Other students are having similar experiences: “Bonita and I once had a great spontaneous conversation about the implications of 13th Century philanthropy in the writings of Dr. Seuss. I am sad to know such a conversation will never happen again.”

There are many topics notably absent from the list, many of which are chaplain regulars such as Jesus, God, baptism, and communion. Also excluded are perennial student problems such as finances, life in the fast lane, theological movements in the 1960s, postmodern existentialism, lexicography, communism, origami, and sweet potato pie.

It is rumored that Pr Frankenstein doesn’t allow you to choose which topic from the list you get to talk about. Topics are listed on small pieces of paper stored in a large glass jar, into which the student reaches into and the chosen topic is what will be discussed. One male student said “I didn’t really have a need to talk about ‘lesbian’, but I didn’t have a choice and boy did I learn a lot!” It is unclear whether the topics go back into the jar for re-use or if every topic is discussed only once.

At the bottom of the page, in large bold print, are the words “This is a Safe Place.” This is an obvious response to the infamous “Riding High” incident of 1997, when several drug dealers were allowed to live in the Centre as an attempt to have a positive influence on their lives. The entire Campus Centre congregation became addicted to cocaine after one of the druggies spiked the communion wine in order to gain a wider customer base. There were also several incidents of druggies beating up students to take their lunch money.

When Pr. Frankenstein was asked more about the list, she tapped the list twice and closed her door saying, “It’s not on the list.”

Learn About Other Religions: Frisbeetarianism

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it. After a time “in limbo,” comes the holy event known as "The Ascension", which is where someone comes along with a ladder and collects all the souls. What happens then is open to debate, though one theory is that the souls are brought back down in a sort of ultimate reincarnation. It is most popular among players of Frisbee-related sports, such as Ultimate.

Ecumenical Dating Service

The Ecumenical Supper Group, in a landmark decision, has chosen to break from tradition and hold a square dance.

“We kind of got tired of the whole learning thing,” said Michael McBean, STM chaplain and member of the ecumenical supper committee, referring to the tendency in the past to have a speaker come and give a lecture. “I mean, these kids have to listen to people talk all the time and are expected to learn something every day. It is completely unreasonable. The expectations are way too high. We wanted to provide a fun activity where Christians can meet and just have a good time.”

Lutheran Chaplain Pr Bonita Walkenfast was more upfront about the goals of the committee. “Listen, we all know that church numbers are in decline. If we can hook-up two Christians who will raise a large Christian family, we can begin to grow the church again.” When asked to comment on the statement “Dancing leads to sex,” Pr Walkenfast said “Well, we ultimately hope it will lead to sex. Not until after marriage, of course. A square dance should be platonic enough to prevent pre-marital relations. It is also a small enough move forward to keep our conservative elders pacified.” When asked about the ethics of this decision, Pr Walkenfast remarked “Lutheran ethics are situational, and we [the church] are desperate in this situation. It also will encourage ecumenism for life. Besides, as the Red Hot Chili Peppers sing it, ‘Catholic School Girls Rule.’”

Quotes - Oct/Nov

“God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.” - Voltaire

“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.” - Garrison Keillor

- "I would have made a good Pope." - Richard Nixon.

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