Totalitarian Library Imposes Fines

Proletarians form Twisted Sister cover band to protest

In an unprecedented move, the first in the 476-year history of LTS, library fines increased from non-existent to $0.25. The move came after a lack of books forced the library to restrict its hours in December and January. Library Technician Bowleen Dredd, surrounded by three floors of empty shelves, could only look on in horror.

Feeling the move is merely a cash grab for an already affluent institution, older members of the student body staged a sit-in to protest against “The Man” and “patriarchal society,” rallying against years of seminarian oppression. Students became relieved upon learning the policy is not retroactive. Many students vowed to withhold their patronage of the library to guard against “indiscriminant fining”.

“There were so few books the library was beginning to warp and melt! On second thought, it could be the LSD.” – estranged librarian

STU Librarian Doreen Parchment refused to return our phone calls. Sources close to Doreen say she chronically screens phone calls. Friends of Doreen say she expressed a desire to meet with financial advisors to solidify her portfolio and work towards early retirement. According to one close friend, “Doreen never really liked books anyway.”

LTS registrar Susie Avant-Garde decided to look on the bright side: “In addition to shedding our image of being a bunch of brainiacs on the nerd patrol, the lack of books could open a niche market for LTS. Imagine, ‘LTS, the bibliophobe friendly seminary.’”