Sometimes Things Are Not As They Seem

Despite giving a perfectly reasonable reason for her departure, one that could be fact-checked by simply making a few phone calls, the Travestical has reason to believe campus chaplain Bonita Strictenstern has not been completely truthful in divulging her motivation for leaving. The Travetical’s crack team of investigative journalists has been working the scene, sniffing around for clues as to the real reason for Stricternstern’s desertion. Here are their discoveries. Although the investigation continues, we wanted to keep you, our readers, the sole reason for which we exist, informed.

Finances
The allure of the bountiful Alberta economy was too much for Strictenstern too handle. Years of lavish spending while only having a measly chaplain’s paycheck has caused Strictenstern to become ridden with debt. In order to turn her life around and pay off the debt as fast as possible, Strictenstern has sunk as low as to take a high-rolling position in Alberta and move in with her parents, maximizing her income while minimizing her expenses. The ensuing four-month separation between Strictenstern and her husband could be a move to take advantage of tax breaks.

Did the allure of big bucks prove too tempting for the chaplain?

Psychological breakdown
After years of putting up with student’s [expletive deleted], Strictenstern couldn’t take it anymore. The continued stress of supporting immature and under-developed human beings slowly wore Strictenstern down, prompting Strictenstern to flee to the remote wilderness of the Cascade Mountains in Washington State during the summer of 2006. Feeling adequately refreshed and rejuvenated to attempt a comeback, Strictenstern’s psyche soon spiraled downward after returning to the familiar grind of everyday chaplaincy. Believing she could not survive the remainder of the school year, Strictenstern offered her resignation for the end of January.

Pregnancy
It is common knowledge amongst Campus Centre frequenters that when Strictenstern asks a multiple choice question, the correct answer is always “d.” So when Strictenstern announced her resignation via a multiple choice question and the correct answer was “c,” the students knew something was up. Answer “d” was the admission that Strictenstern was with child, which many have taken as Strictenstern’s announcement of her pregnancy to those closest to her while keeping the information from mere acquaintances. Students have reported Strictenstern’s poor punctuality of late, presumably due to morning sickness, as well as Strictenstern continual complaints of fatigue, headaches, light headedness, and heartburn while making increasingly frequent and drawn-out trips to the bathroom.

Is there a bun in the oven?

Forced to resign
At first meeting, Strictenstern seems laid back and easy to get along with. But once you got to know her a little more, her true colors began to shine through. Strictenstern’s temperament made her hard to get along with. She quickly became arrogant, demanding students help with mailings, sign cookie thank you letters without allowing them to read the details, and conscripting students to help lead worship. She even had the gall to post a sign in the kitchen, “Please don’t oppress the chaplain. Wash the dishes.” Strictenstern was additionally difficult with her board of directors, demanding annual salary increases, reduced hours and increased vacation time under threat of Strictenstern forming a union.

Did Bishop Mindy pull the plug on Strictenstern's chaplaincy?

Shame from the Travestical
We at the Travestical feel we must come forth with our admission of guilt in having a part in Strictenstern’s departure. After ten years of running the show unchecked, Strictenstern could not adapt to having such a thorough investigatory body such as the Travestical keeping her accountable. Although we are sorry for Strictenstern’s departure, we do not apologize for our part in it. It is our duty to report things as they are, and to keep those in power accountable to you, the citizens of our great and noble nation. Without such great institutions as the Travestical, Canadian society would soon go south, into a murky pool of faux-Americana ideals such as liberty and freedom. We are free now, and must continue to stand in the face of our enemies! Long Live the Queen!

In Conclusion: The Truth
The Travestical has discovered that the true reason for Strictenstern’s departure is all of the above. That’s right, Strictenstern’s financial crisis, psychological breakdown, pregnancy, belligerent attitude and increasing paranoia of being reported in the Travestical led to the campus ministry board of directors and the synod demanding her resignation. Strictenstern’s tale is a sad one of a young excited chaplain entering a downward spiral into oblivion. It may be the sole purpose of Strictenstern’s life to simply be a warning to others: don’t eat yellow snow. When reflecting on Strictenstern’s life and times, we are continuously reminded of when someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?"