Mennonite Spy Infiltrates Centre!

The Travestical has learned that Miriam Harder, a regular Lutheran Campus Centre attendee, is in fact a Mennonite spy.

“I would have never believed it if I didn’t overhear her reporting to her superiors,” one student said. The student wishes to remain anonymous as he fears for his life but felt he needed to come forward “to ensure the safety of my fellow Lutherans.”

Harder was overheard reporting the details of recent happenings at the Campus Centre. What the Mennonites hope to gain from Harder’s espionage is unclear. “In fact,” says U of S History professor, editor of the Canadian Journal of History, and Russian history expert John McBoomstick, “if the Mennonites are anything like the KGB, which I think they are, Harder herself likely doesn’t know the purpose of her mission, or even that she is on a mission at all. So if Harder denies her being a spy, to the best of her knowledge she isn’t lying.” McBoomstick also warned it is a Mennonite spy tactic to sarcastically agree when accused of something, convincing the accuser of the spy’s innocence. “Essentially,” McBoomstick concludes, “there is no way Harder is not a spy.”

Harder in her traditional Mennonite dress

Chaplain Pr Bonita Falkenstrict was surprised to hear of Harder’s espionage, but quickly looked at bright side: “Hey, this is a great opportunity to save the soul of one of those heathen Mennonites.”

Harder’s espionage is of grave concern to many Campus Centre regulars, as she has recently taken a leadership role. Harder is in charge of a community involvement group which spends time at a 20th Street ministry. It is rumored this activity is a ploy to get unsuspecting Lutherans to the west-side, where there are several Mennonite control centers. Harder then kidnaps the Lutheran volunteers, interrogates and tortures them, conducts illegal and harmful experiments on them and erases their memories with superior Mennonite spy technology. “I always feel different after volunteering,” says one student. “It’s like something in me has changed.”

It is also rumored Harder has been inviting students to her farm under the guise of helping with the sheep. It is almost certain “sheep” is a Mennonite code word, but its meaning is uncertain. Known as a Mennonite stronghold, the atrocities students endure on the farm are unimaginable.

American president George W. Bush commented that “as long as there are terrorists on the loose, the Mennonites are winning.”