BOTTOMLESS COOKIE JAR HITS BOTTOM!!

Disaster recently struck the Lutheran Campus Centre as the so-called bottomless cookie jar hit bottom. The unexpected cookie shortage has left the Centre in as state of anarchy, confusion, and despair.

Student reaction to the crisis has been mixed, although most leans towards the negative. “I’ll actually have to buy groceries this month,” said one student. “I didn’t budget for that. I was really counting on those cookies.” When told about the food bank, the student remarked “I guess I’ll survive.”

Other students are more shaken. “For me, the bottomless cookie jar represented God’s infinite gift of grace. Now I don’t know what to do. It’s like my whole image of God has been shaken.”

Students aren’t the only people affected by the shortage. Earlier this week campus chaplain Pr Bonita Falkenberg left the city under the guise of attending a pastoral conference. It is uncertain if Pr Falkenberg is securing more cookie resources or obtaining psychiatric help to deal with trauma caused by the catastrophe. As of the time of writing, Pr Falkenberg had refused to return our calls or emails.

Reasons for the shortage are unclear, although there are several theories floating around. The recent rain and cold temperatures causing early season arthritis in many ELW ladies’ baking hands, an odd

“I guess I’ll survive”
- concerned student

state of planetary alignment causing a rift in the space-time continuum, or the recent federal government crackdown on chocolate chip smuggling have all been attributed as possible causes of this disaster. American president George W. Bush commented that “as long as there is a cookie shortage, the terrorists are winning.” No one knows for sure when the cookie levels will return to normal.

While the future remains unclear, some students have chosen to stay positive: “Hey, instant diet. All right!”