Chaplain limits speaking topics

In an unprecedented move, Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr Bonita Frankenstein has put strict limits on what she will talk about with students. The limitations are posted on her office door on a bright green piece of paper, ensuring all who enter have checked that their topic is acceptable.

“I’m tired of talking about the same old stuff every year,” Pr Frankenstein remarked. “I thought making this list would spice things up a bit.” When asked how closely she will stick to the list, Pr Frankenstein said “Like super super-uber-duper super glue.” [sic]

Although the list is fairly extensive and covers a wide range of topics, many students are feeling left out. “Some of my favorite moments at the Centre have been talking with Bonita about all the current hairstyles and fashion trends. Now that I can’t talk to her about that, I feel like I don’t have anything in common with her. I just don’t relate.”

Other students are having similar experiences: “Bonita and I once had a great spontaneous conversation about the implications of 13th Century philanthropy in the writings of Dr. Seuss. I am sad to know such a conversation will never happen again.”

There are many topics notably absent from the list, many of which are chaplain regulars such as Jesus, God, baptism, and communion. Also excluded are perennial student problems such as finances, life in the fast lane, theological movements in the 1960s, postmodern existentialism, lexicography, communism, origami, and sweet potato pie.

It is rumored that Pr Frankenstein doesn’t allow you to choose which topic from the list you get to talk about. Topics are listed on small pieces of paper stored in a large glass jar, into which the student reaches into and the chosen topic is what will be discussed. One male student said “I didn’t really have a need to talk about ‘lesbian’, but I didn’t have a choice and boy did I learn a lot!” It is unclear whether the topics go back into the jar for re-use or if every topic is discussed only once.

At the bottom of the page, in large bold print, are the words “This is a Safe Place.” This is an obvious response to the infamous “Riding High” incident of 1997, when several drug dealers were allowed to live in the Centre as an attempt to have a positive influence on their lives. The entire Campus Centre congregation became addicted to cocaine after one of the druggies spiked the communion wine in order to gain a wider customer base. There were also several incidents of druggies beating up students to take their lunch money.

When Pr. Frankenstein was asked more about the list, she tapped the list twice and closed her door saying, “It’s not on the list.”