Global Warming Accelerates!

Average Daily Temperature Increases By Nearly 30° in Past 3 Months

A new report, leaked Friday, claims that global warming is accelerating more rapidly than first thought. Bryce Gravyson, Environment Canada’s recent winner of the “Most Likely To Bring Us Down” and “Employee Hot Dog Eating Contest” awards, brought the report forward, claiming “The people need to know this [expletive deleted].”

The report points to recent temperature trends across Western Canada. “Look at the data,” says Gravyson. “In January, the average daily temperature was -28.7° C. So far in March, the average daily temperature has been 2.4° C. “This type of drastic temperature swing hasn’t occurred in nearly a year. At this rate,” Gravyson concludes, “Saskatoon will be bakin’ like Jamaican by mid-May, and be a desert wasteland by the end of the summer.”

Quoting Swedish garage-punk trend-rockers the Hives, Al Gore, formerly the next President of the US, remarked, “I hate to say I told you so. All right.” Gore added, “One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one,
it's the loneliest number since the number one”

Despite the overwhelming evidence, some still deny the existence of global warming. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper remarked “My gut tells me global warming is untrue. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true. That's cause you looked it up in a book.” When shown the data, Harper commented “What am I, a brainiac on the nerd patrol? I’m no member of the factinista.”* Harper went on, saying “the real cause of global warming, if it ever happens for real, is the environment itself, and those tree-huggers who love it so much.”

Commenting from the White House, US President George “Dubya” Bush said “As long as there are scientists doing real science, the terrorists are winning.”