Campus Centre Overrun by Throngs of Homeless Men

Although, they are all single and very good-looking

What began as outreach soon became an unbearable burden. “It seemed like such a good idea,” remarked one distraught student, wiping a tear from her cheek. “It could have been so easy. We could have driven across the river, given them food, saved their souls, put another point up on the Convert-o-Tron, and went home. But no, we had to invite them to be a part of our community, and actually build a relationship.”

Several students have voiced concern over the homeless men’s presence, stating they are a “not up to date with current fashions” and have “little to offer the community.” “When tithing,” stated finance student Ryan Baicken, “by my calculations, ten percent of zero is still zero.” Additionally, many students have raised concern over the fact that all three homeless men have spent time in prison and mental institutes.

Homeless and former SAG members have recently swamped the CampusCentre. From left to right: Oleam “Heartbreaker” Shankspeare, rAndy “Obviously Not a Hippie” Johansen, and Robby “Lady- Killer” Tiller.

Compounding student fears, the Travestical has learned that Robby “Lady-Killer” Tiller, Oleam “Heartbreaker” Shankspeare and rAndy “Obviously Not a Hippie” Johansen all belong to the infamous street gang “Single and Good-Looking,” known on the street as “SAG.” SAG has a long history of breaking hearts and causing whiplash in the necks of girls as they whip their heads around to check out the gang members.

Despite their history, the men insist they’ve turned a corner. “We like the Centre because it is warm,” remarked Tiller. “The cookies are easier obtained, taste better and have a higher nutritional value than road-kill and what we find dumpster diving,” claims Shankspeare. Johansen appreciates the location: “Merely a four-minute walk to under the bridge, and nine minutes to the YMCA, where it is fun to stay.”