Travestical Expands to LTS
One step closer to global dominationThe Travestical is pleased to announce its expansion to include the Lutheran Theological Seminary (LTS). Readers can expect the same informative and uncompromising investigatory journalism as in the past – now with expanded content and readership. The Travestical intends to become an unprecedented link between these two monumental and historic Lutheran institutions.
Early reports seemed to indicate the move was the design of the zine’s editor in chief, but further research discovered the idea was the brainchild of LTS management. President Right Reverend Pastor Dr. Kelvin Cuddlevee BA, M.Div, RNG* said, “Those [expletive deleted]’s wouldn’t know a good zine if it came and bit them on the butt. We see part of our mission here at this institution to be a prophetic voice in the world and we have enlisted some of the best people to make this happen.” Among other improvements, Cuddlevee promised that professor Dr. Jane “Pink” Floyd would “liturgize the hell out of [the zine].”
LTS President Right Reverend Pastor Dr. Kelvin Cuddlevee BA, M.Div, RNG* accepts congratulations following the press conference announcing the expansion of the Travestical.
* RNG – Really Nice Guy
Totalitarian Library Imposes Fines
Proletarians form Twisted Sister cover band to protest
In an unprecedented move, the first in the 476-year history of LTS, library fines increased from non-existent to $0.25. The move came after a lack of books forced the library to restrict its hours in December and January. Library Technician Bowleen Dredd, surrounded by three floors of empty shelves, could only look on in horror.
Feeling the move is merely a cash grab for an already affluent institution, older members of the student body staged a sit-in to protest against “The Man” and “patriarchal society,” rallying against years of seminarian oppression. Students became relieved upon learning the policy is not retroactive. Many students vowed to withhold their patronage of the library to guard against “indiscriminant fining”.
“There were so few books the library was beginning to warp and melt! On second thought, it could be the LSD.” – estranged librarian
LTS registrar Susie Avant-Garde decided to look on the bright side: “In addition to shedding our image of being a bunch of brainiacs on the nerd patrol, the lack of books could open a niche market for LTS. Imagine, ‘LTS, the bibliophobe friendly seminary.’”
20 Questions with Pr. Layton Quiche
Actually due to budgetary cutbacks we can only afford to ask ten.
As Bob Dylan prophetically sang in 1964, “the times they are a-changin.” With the departure of estranged chaplain Bonita Talkenalot, the Lutheran Campus Centre enters a tumultuous period of transition. Pr. Layton Quiche, the man chosen by the board of directors to captain the ship through these times of turmoil, certainly has the facial hair of a pirate up to the task.
Continually looking out for you, our dear readers, the Travestical took the initiative of requesting an interview with Pr. Quiche. Purposefully ignoring our credentials and connection to the community, Pr. Quiche refused to meet with us or answer our questions. But fear not Travestical faithful, a back-up plan created for just such a situation exploded into action. We consulted Madame Le’Treche, world-renowned psychic and tarot card reader. Madame Le’Treche contacted Pr. Quiche’s spirit on an alternate plane of being (while he was sleeping, of course). The following interview contains many revelations that we hope will help you get to know Pr. Quiche.
Travestical (T): What is your name?
Pr. Quiche (Q): Layton Quiche, but my friends call me Scooter. Oh, and I guess my gangsta friends call me Quichemasta Flash. But students can call me Layton.
T: What is your favorite color?
Q: Blue. No, Yellow!
T: What was the most embarrassing nickname you’ve had?
Q: Spanky McFlashdance . . . you know, I still love that movie; “Oh, What a Feeling!” Oh the music! Oh the dance moves!
T: Why did you choose to accept the position of interim chaplain?
Q: Well, there were a wide variety of reasons. I certainly found the lucrative pay (not to mention benefits) enticing. To be honest, I have been feeling a little old lately, and am hoping to mooch some vitality for life off of the students. At the very least, the students provide an avenue through which I can live out my dreams. Also, I don’t have many friends.
T: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Q: African or European?
T: If you could have dinner with anyone from history, who would it be, what would you serve and why?
Q: Probably Charlie Chaplin, because I wouldn’t have to listen to him blather on and on. He can’t talk you know. That’s why he made all those movies with no talking. Cause he can’t talk. I would probably order Chinese, so Chaplin felt more at home.
T: What was the most formidable challenge you have ever gone through?
Q: I spent seven and a half years in a Buddhist monastery in south-eastern Tibet trying to figure out how the hell they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar. I never did figure it out, and the diet of rice and yak milk was really doing a number on my digestive system.
T: Imagine you could trade places with anyone for just a week. The person could be famous or not famous, living or from history, real or fictional. With whom would you trade places?
Q: I would definitely be the famous, living, real person.
T: If someone wrote a biography about you, what do you think the title should be?
Q: “Elephants in Pink Tutus.” It was going to be “Superfluous Hair and Its Removal,” but that was already taken.
T: What experience do you have in liturgical interpretive dance?
Q: I spent my formative years as the Lutheran representative in the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, bringing the steadfast tradition of liturgy to the otherwise chaotic world of choreographed toe dancing. In the late sixties I worked with a group at LTS trying to start a liturgical dance company in Saskatoon. The novelty of it all really wore off with the LSD.
Ex-Chaplain administers hazing
Campus Centre hasn’t seen hazing like this since George “Slap-Happy” Franklin in ‘57
At a recent service, debauchery and controversy marred the Lutheran Campus Centre. While presiding, ex-chaplain Bonita Walkenstrict interrupted the service to initiate incoming interim chaplain Pr. Layton Quiche.
Those present described the scene as “shocking,” “traumatic,” “nauseating,” “perpendicular,” “outrageous” and “capricious.”
“Knowing Bonita,” remarked Pr. Quiche, “I actually wasn’t surprised by this. It isn’t widely known, but professors at the seminary regularly haze students in a similar manner.” Pr. Quiche concluded by saying the hazing “will definitely leave a mark.”
Pr. Quiche, unknowing of his forthcoming initiation.
Learn About Other Religions: Pastafarianism
Pastafarians believe the universe is ruled by an invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster, who created the universe, including a mountain, trees and a midget. All evidence for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The FSM tests Pastafarians' faith by making things look older than they are. For example, when a scientist performs a carbon-dating process on an artifact, he may not realize that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. Pirates are deemed "absolute divine beings." Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages. They were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to children.
Online Special: For more info on Pastafarianism, see the always reliable and citable Wikipedia.
LTS President Right Reverend Pastor Dr. Kelvin Cuddlevee BA, M.Div, RNG* accepts congratulations following the press conference announcing the expansion of the Travestical.
