A Chaplain Remembered

Bonita Strictenstern

1996-2007She looked old for being 11.

A Chaplain Remembered

Exclusive Interviews,
Thirty Pages of Photos and a
Complete History

Letter from the Editors

“Beware of Sadness,”

Bonita Strictenstern sang in one of her most beautiful ballads, “Beware of Darkness.” “It can hit you, it can hurt you/Make you sore, and what is more/That is not what you are here for/And if George Harrison steals any more of my songs I will be forced to ‘pop a cap on his British [expletive deleted].”

It is in that spirit that we created this special tribute issue, the first in the Travestical’s thirty-four year history.* Like anyone else who cares about ensuring cereal has seven essential nutrients, we are deeply saddened by Strictenstern’s recent death from occupational vicissitude at the age of eleven. This issue recognizes that sadness, but it is also a celebration. It is meant to honor Strictenstern’s life and erratic behavior – the beauty, the spiritual ambition, the achievement, the inspiration, the tea and cookies. It is an offering from one small group of her fans to the many others, an acknowledgement of why she means so much to us.

“That was really weird,” Strictenstern remarked after receiving a barrage of neo-conservative religious fundamentalism from an intoxicated Seventh-day Adventist. “He was definitely high or something. I believe that.”

As well as a proclamation of faith, that statement was a challenge: It is essential human work to keep the spirit of the people you love alive within yourself. We can feel Bonita Strictenstern within these pages, and we hope that you will, too.

* we’ve actually only been around for four months.

Sometimes Things Are Not As They Seem

Despite giving a perfectly reasonable reason for her departure, one that could be fact-checked by simply making a few phone calls, the Travestical has reason to believe campus chaplain Bonita Strictenstern has not been completely truthful in divulging her motivation for leaving. The Travetical’s crack team of investigative journalists has been working the scene, sniffing around for clues as to the real reason for Stricternstern’s desertion. Here are their discoveries. Although the investigation continues, we wanted to keep you, our readers, the sole reason for which we exist, informed.

Finances
The allure of the bountiful Alberta economy was too much for Strictenstern too handle. Years of lavish spending while only having a measly chaplain’s paycheck has caused Strictenstern to become ridden with debt. In order to turn her life around and pay off the debt as fast as possible, Strictenstern has sunk as low as to take a high-rolling position in Alberta and move in with her parents, maximizing her income while minimizing her expenses. The ensuing four-month separation between Strictenstern and her husband could be a move to take advantage of tax breaks.

Did the allure of big bucks prove too tempting for the chaplain?

Psychological breakdown
After years of putting up with student’s [expletive deleted], Strictenstern couldn’t take it anymore. The continued stress of supporting immature and under-developed human beings slowly wore Strictenstern down, prompting Strictenstern to flee to the remote wilderness of the Cascade Mountains in Washington State during the summer of 2006. Feeling adequately refreshed and rejuvenated to attempt a comeback, Strictenstern’s psyche soon spiraled downward after returning to the familiar grind of everyday chaplaincy. Believing she could not survive the remainder of the school year, Strictenstern offered her resignation for the end of January.

Pregnancy
It is common knowledge amongst Campus Centre frequenters that when Strictenstern asks a multiple choice question, the correct answer is always “d.” So when Strictenstern announced her resignation via a multiple choice question and the correct answer was “c,” the students knew something was up. Answer “d” was the admission that Strictenstern was with child, which many have taken as Strictenstern’s announcement of her pregnancy to those closest to her while keeping the information from mere acquaintances. Students have reported Strictenstern’s poor punctuality of late, presumably due to morning sickness, as well as Strictenstern continual complaints of fatigue, headaches, light headedness, and heartburn while making increasingly frequent and drawn-out trips to the bathroom.

Is there a bun in the oven?

Forced to resign
At first meeting, Strictenstern seems laid back and easy to get along with. But once you got to know her a little more, her true colors began to shine through. Strictenstern’s temperament made her hard to get along with. She quickly became arrogant, demanding students help with mailings, sign cookie thank you letters without allowing them to read the details, and conscripting students to help lead worship. She even had the gall to post a sign in the kitchen, “Please don’t oppress the chaplain. Wash the dishes.” Strictenstern was additionally difficult with her board of directors, demanding annual salary increases, reduced hours and increased vacation time under threat of Strictenstern forming a union.

Did Bishop Mindy pull the plug on Strictenstern's chaplaincy?

Shame from the Travestical
We at the Travestical feel we must come forth with our admission of guilt in having a part in Strictenstern’s departure. After ten years of running the show unchecked, Strictenstern could not adapt to having such a thorough investigatory body such as the Travestical keeping her accountable. Although we are sorry for Strictenstern’s departure, we do not apologize for our part in it. It is our duty to report things as they are, and to keep those in power accountable to you, the citizens of our great and noble nation. Without such great institutions as the Travestical, Canadian society would soon go south, into a murky pool of faux-Americana ideals such as liberty and freedom. We are free now, and must continue to stand in the face of our enemies! Long Live the Queen!

In Conclusion: The Truth
The Travestical has discovered that the true reason for Strictenstern’s departure is all of the above. That’s right, Strictenstern’s financial crisis, psychological breakdown, pregnancy, belligerent attitude and increasing paranoia of being reported in the Travestical led to the campus ministry board of directors and the synod demanding her resignation. Strictenstern’s tale is a sad one of a young excited chaplain entering a downward spiral into oblivion. It may be the sole purpose of Strictenstern’s life to simply be a warning to others: don’t eat yellow snow. When reflecting on Strictenstern’s life and times, we are continuously reminded of when someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?"

The Question

In the wake of devastation caused by the announced departure of campus chaplain Bonita Strictenstern, there seems only to be one lingering question(other than the everlasting mystery of who stole the cookie from the cookie jar - our money is on Bonita, she spends more time alone at the centre than anyone else, plus she has keys and could sneak in at night): who will the interim chaplain be? To help ease student anxiety, we here at the Travestical have compiled a shortlist of the likely candidates.

Who will fill the campus ministry void?

Elvis Presley (aka “The King”) - Despite being dead (and not being ordained for that matter), Elvis has many redeeming qualities that would make him a perfect fit for the job of campus chaplain. The music ministry would be rockin’, and we’re sure those dance skills are transferable to a liturgical setting. We foresee especially effective ministry to 1950s pre-pubescent girls. Odds – 3:1

Bonita Strictenstern – We wouldn’t put it past Bonita to cook up a story about how she’s leaving just to get attention – we’ve been hearing all the people telling Bonita how much they love her, and how much they’ll miss her. And anyone who knows Bonita can surely tell you how much of an attention hog she is. Odds – 6:1

Jesus – the Great I Am Himself! What could be better timing for the second coming? It would save the board of directors the agony of choosing a replacement, and you know he’d give at least ten percent of his salary back to the ministry. Heck – he’d probably give twenty! Odds - 4:1

You'll Do What on my Parade?

Students gathered one warm, spring evening, to delight in company and enjoy a Lenten meal. Dinner happily passed with pleasantries exchange amongst all present. Following dessert, Chaplain Bonita Strictenstern presided over a brief service. After giving a captivating and thorough background on the season of Lent, Strictenstern went on to explain why she herself decided not to partake in the tradition of giving up a vice for Lent, remarking she thought the practice put too much emphasis on the individual and took the focus off God. Strictenstern concluded with an apology, making it known she didn’t want to “poop on anyone’s parade.”

An awkward silence ensued. One brave student, Roberto the White, broke the silence, declaring “um, Bonita, I’m pretty sure that’s not a saying.” Another student, Stephen S. Scottzpatrick, remarked “I can’t even imagine that.”

Game turns chaplain into "ferocious beast"

In addition to being a place of prayer, worship, and learning, the Lutheran Campus Centre is a place of family, fun, fellowship, and other things that start with “f”. Following worship one cold winter evening, students gathered ‘round the kitchen table for a lively game of spoons. Spoons is a curious game: it brings out the best and worst in people. On this particular night, participants forgot their inhibitions and the game became very rowdy. Just because one is a campus chaplain does not make one exempt from such debauchery. Normally docile chaplain Bonita Strictenstern put aside all reservations, releasing her pent up rage from constantly dealing with students.

A police sketch of Strictenstern as described by an eye-witness

Witnesses described Strictenstern’s mood as “ferocious,” “merciless,” and “bloodthirsty.” The game climaxed with Strictenstern diving face-first across the table, latching onto the spoon in an unsuspecting student’s hand. A power struggle ensued, a wrestling match between student and chaplain. When the dust cleared, the chaplain emerged victorious, spoon in hand. Standing over the defeated student, Strictenstern rubbed it in, taunting “na-na na-na na na.”

January Quotes

Nobody cares if you are miserable, so you might as well be happy.

– Cynthia Nelms

This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is perhaps the end of the beginning.

– Winston Churchill

We must believe in free will. We have no other choice.

– Isaac Singer

As long as my dear Bonita is leaving, the terrorists are winning.

- US President George “Dubya” Bush

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

- Unknown