Mennonite Spy Infiltrates Centre!

The Travestical has learned that Miriam Harder, a regular Lutheran Campus Centre attendee, is in fact a Mennonite spy.

“I would have never believed it if I didn’t overhear her reporting to her superiors,” one student said. The student wishes to remain anonymous as he fears for his life but felt he needed to come forward “to ensure the safety of my fellow Lutherans.”

Harder was overheard reporting the details of recent happenings at the Campus Centre. What the Mennonites hope to gain from Harder’s espionage is unclear. “In fact,” says U of S History professor, editor of the Canadian Journal of History, and Russian history expert John McBoomstick, “if the Mennonites are anything like the KGB, which I think they are, Harder herself likely doesn’t know the purpose of her mission, or even that she is on a mission at all. So if Harder denies her being a spy, to the best of her knowledge she isn’t lying.” McBoomstick also warned it is a Mennonite spy tactic to sarcastically agree when accused of something, convincing the accuser of the spy’s innocence. “Essentially,” McBoomstick concludes, “there is no way Harder is not a spy.”

Harder in her traditional Mennonite dress

Chaplain Pr Bonita Falkenstrict was surprised to hear of Harder’s espionage, but quickly looked at bright side: “Hey, this is a great opportunity to save the soul of one of those heathen Mennonites.”

Harder’s espionage is of grave concern to many Campus Centre regulars, as she has recently taken a leadership role. Harder is in charge of a community involvement group which spends time at a 20th Street ministry. It is rumored this activity is a ploy to get unsuspecting Lutherans to the west-side, where there are several Mennonite control centers. Harder then kidnaps the Lutheran volunteers, interrogates and tortures them, conducts illegal and harmful experiments on them and erases their memories with superior Mennonite spy technology. “I always feel different after volunteering,” says one student. “It’s like something in me has changed.”

It is also rumored Harder has been inviting students to her farm under the guise of helping with the sheep. It is almost certain “sheep” is a Mennonite code word, but its meaning is uncertain. Known as a Mennonite stronghold, the atrocities students endure on the farm are unimaginable.

American president George W. Bush commented that “as long as there are terrorists on the loose, the Mennonites are winning.”

Chaplain limits speaking topics

In an unprecedented move, Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr Bonita Frankenstein has put strict limits on what she will talk about with students. The limitations are posted on her office door on a bright green piece of paper, ensuring all who enter have checked that their topic is acceptable.

“I’m tired of talking about the same old stuff every year,” Pr Frankenstein remarked. “I thought making this list would spice things up a bit.” When asked how closely she will stick to the list, Pr Frankenstein said “Like super super-uber-duper super glue.” [sic]

Although the list is fairly extensive and covers a wide range of topics, many students are feeling left out. “Some of my favorite moments at the Centre have been talking with Bonita about all the current hairstyles and fashion trends. Now that I can’t talk to her about that, I feel like I don’t have anything in common with her. I just don’t relate.”

Other students are having similar experiences: “Bonita and I once had a great spontaneous conversation about the implications of 13th Century philanthropy in the writings of Dr. Seuss. I am sad to know such a conversation will never happen again.”

There are many topics notably absent from the list, many of which are chaplain regulars such as Jesus, God, baptism, and communion. Also excluded are perennial student problems such as finances, life in the fast lane, theological movements in the 1960s, postmodern existentialism, lexicography, communism, origami, and sweet potato pie.

It is rumored that Pr Frankenstein doesn’t allow you to choose which topic from the list you get to talk about. Topics are listed on small pieces of paper stored in a large glass jar, into which the student reaches into and the chosen topic is what will be discussed. One male student said “I didn’t really have a need to talk about ‘lesbian’, but I didn’t have a choice and boy did I learn a lot!” It is unclear whether the topics go back into the jar for re-use or if every topic is discussed only once.

At the bottom of the page, in large bold print, are the words “This is a Safe Place.” This is an obvious response to the infamous “Riding High” incident of 1997, when several drug dealers were allowed to live in the Centre as an attempt to have a positive influence on their lives. The entire Campus Centre congregation became addicted to cocaine after one of the druggies spiked the communion wine in order to gain a wider customer base. There were also several incidents of druggies beating up students to take their lunch money.

When Pr. Frankenstein was asked more about the list, she tapped the list twice and closed her door saying, “It’s not on the list.”

Learn About Other Religions: Frisbeetarianism

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it. After a time “in limbo,” comes the holy event known as "The Ascension", which is where someone comes along with a ladder and collects all the souls. What happens then is open to debate, though one theory is that the souls are brought back down in a sort of ultimate reincarnation. It is most popular among players of Frisbee-related sports, such as Ultimate.

Ecumenical Dating Service

The Ecumenical Supper Group, in a landmark decision, has chosen to break from tradition and hold a square dance.

“We kind of got tired of the whole learning thing,” said Michael McBean, STM chaplain and member of the ecumenical supper committee, referring to the tendency in the past to have a speaker come and give a lecture. “I mean, these kids have to listen to people talk all the time and are expected to learn something every day. It is completely unreasonable. The expectations are way too high. We wanted to provide a fun activity where Christians can meet and just have a good time.”

Lutheran Chaplain Pr Bonita Walkenfast was more upfront about the goals of the committee. “Listen, we all know that church numbers are in decline. If we can hook-up two Christians who will raise a large Christian family, we can begin to grow the church again.” When asked to comment on the statement “Dancing leads to sex,” Pr Walkenfast said “Well, we ultimately hope it will lead to sex. Not until after marriage, of course. A square dance should be platonic enough to prevent pre-marital relations. It is also a small enough move forward to keep our conservative elders pacified.” When asked about the ethics of this decision, Pr Walkenfast remarked “Lutheran ethics are situational, and we [the church] are desperate in this situation. It also will encourage ecumenism for life. Besides, as the Red Hot Chili Peppers sing it, ‘Catholic School Girls Rule.’”

Quotes - Oct/Nov

“God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.” - Voltaire

“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.” - Garrison Keillor

- "I would have made a good Pope." - Richard Nixon.

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