Penicillin: The Gateway Drug

The following article is the first part in the Travestical’s special 347-part series on the War on Drugs.

The story of most Penicillin addicts starts innocently enough. “It all started when I had an ear infection as a nine-year-old. Soon after, I began taking a Tylenol or Advil when I had a headache. In college, I started drinking coffee to help stay awake during all-night cramming sessions. Then, upon a doctor’s recommendation, I began taking an Aspirin a day.” Sadly, this is the case with most addicts.

Alexander Fleming first discovered and became addicted to Penicillin in 1928.

But what can be done? The first step is education. Nursing student and Travestical medicinal correspondent Airica “don’t ask me my middle name” Stockshelf explained the addictive nature of Penicillin. “Well, if you look at the chemical make-up of Penicillin, the molecule CO2H is present. If you reverse the order and write the molecule in standard form, you get HOOC, or, in contemporary English, HOOKED. Hence, Penicillin’s addictive nature. Additionally, there are free-standing ‘N,’ ‘O,’ and ‘S’ molecules. Unlike other more passive addictive substances, Penicillin is especially dangerous as it uses these free-standing molecules to promote the use of Penicillin ‘SOON,’ and as a healthy ‘NOON’-time snack.”

The addictive chemical make-up of Penicillin.

Due to Penicillin’s nature, it is nearly impossible to fight. We must hear the cries of those in need. “Find a cure for my addiction. I love the banana-and-grape-flavoring.” These are only a few of the countless who need our help. Write your MP, call your MLA, and beg them, for the children’s sake, “Please outlaw penicillin, before it’s too late.”

The many practical uses of Penicillin have made it one of the most popular consumer drugs today.