Campus Centre Overrun by Throngs of Homeless Men

Although, they are all single and very good-looking

What began as outreach soon became an unbearable burden. “It seemed like such a good idea,” remarked one distraught student, wiping a tear from her cheek. “It could have been so easy. We could have driven across the river, given them food, saved their souls, put another point up on the Convert-o-Tron, and went home. But no, we had to invite them to be a part of our community, and actually build a relationship.”

Several students have voiced concern over the homeless men’s presence, stating they are a “not up to date with current fashions” and have “little to offer the community.” “When tithing,” stated finance student Ryan Baicken, “by my calculations, ten percent of zero is still zero.” Additionally, many students have raised concern over the fact that all three homeless men have spent time in prison and mental institutes.

Homeless and former SAG members have recently swamped the CampusCentre. From left to right: Oleam “Heartbreaker” Shankspeare, rAndy “Obviously Not a Hippie” Johansen, and Robby “Lady- Killer” Tiller.

Compounding student fears, the Travestical has learned that Robby “Lady-Killer” Tiller, Oleam “Heartbreaker” Shankspeare and rAndy “Obviously Not a Hippie” Johansen all belong to the infamous street gang “Single and Good-Looking,” known on the street as “SAG.” SAG has a long history of breaking hearts and causing whiplash in the necks of girls as they whip their heads around to check out the gang members.

Despite their history, the men insist they’ve turned a corner. “We like the Centre because it is warm,” remarked Tiller. “The cookies are easier obtained, taste better and have a higher nutritional value than road-kill and what we find dumpster diving,” claims Shankspeare. Johansen appreciates the location: “Merely a four-minute walk to under the bridge, and nine minutes to the YMCA, where it is fun to stay.”

Jesus Body Found in Tomb

Right next to Moses, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Crazy Old Man

A recent Discovery Channel documentary claims to have found the body of Jesus. Produced by James Cameron, producer and director of other famed documentaries such as Titanic, Terminator, and Aliens, the documentary examines the legitimacy of a series of coffins, recently rediscovered in storage. “It is pretty obvious that this is for real,” asserts director Simcha Jacobovici. “I mean, the coffin has his name on it. And if that wasn’t enough, there is also a picture. There is no way it isn’t Jesus.”

Increasing the credibility of the find were several other coffins found in the same location as Jesus’. “Along with the body of Christ, we found the bodies of Santa, Moses, the Tooth Fairy and a Crazy Old Man,” Jacobovici exclaimed. “What are the chances of finding all these ossuaries together? The facts don’t lie. Based on the evidence,” Jacobovici concluded, “we’re pretty sure Jimmy Hoffa’s body is somewhere nearby.”

U of S Professor of Religious Studies and Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr. Layton Quiche believes the findings have little relevance to Christianity, remarking “Who cares?” Quiche ended his in-depth analysis by saying “It’s actually a good thing the coffins had names as well as pictures, otherwise we may have mistaken Moses for just another Crazy Old Man.”

The coffins were found stacked precariously in the traditional burial method of ancient religious figures and fictional beings.

Despite the overwhelming evidence, some are critical of the discovery. “There’s no evidence this is real,” asserts one skeptic. “Jesus, Santa and Moses were very common names. Everybody and their dog has claimed to be the Tooth Fairy. Everybody has at least one grandfather who could be classified as a Crazy Old Man.” Pr. Quiche quickly added “Many people think I’m a Crazy Old Man.”

Penicillin: The Gateway Drug

The following article is the first part in the Travestical’s special 347-part series on the War on Drugs.

The story of most Penicillin addicts starts innocently enough. “It all started when I had an ear infection as a nine-year-old. Soon after, I began taking a Tylenol or Advil when I had a headache. In college, I started drinking coffee to help stay awake during all-night cramming sessions. Then, upon a doctor’s recommendation, I began taking an Aspirin a day.” Sadly, this is the case with most addicts.

Alexander Fleming first discovered and became addicted to Penicillin in 1928.

But what can be done? The first step is education. Nursing student and Travestical medicinal correspondent Airica “don’t ask me my middle name” Stockshelf explained the addictive nature of Penicillin. “Well, if you look at the chemical make-up of Penicillin, the molecule CO2H is present. If you reverse the order and write the molecule in standard form, you get HOOC, or, in contemporary English, HOOKED. Hence, Penicillin’s addictive nature. Additionally, there are free-standing ‘N,’ ‘O,’ and ‘S’ molecules. Unlike other more passive addictive substances, Penicillin is especially dangerous as it uses these free-standing molecules to promote the use of Penicillin ‘SOON,’ and as a healthy ‘NOON’-time snack.”

The addictive chemical make-up of Penicillin.

Due to Penicillin’s nature, it is nearly impossible to fight. We must hear the cries of those in need. “Find a cure for my addiction. I love the banana-and-grape-flavoring.” These are only a few of the countless who need our help. Write your MP, call your MLA, and beg them, for the children’s sake, “Please outlaw penicillin, before it’s too late.”

The many practical uses of Penicillin have made it one of the most popular consumer drugs today.

Global Warming Accelerates!

Average Daily Temperature Increases By Nearly 30° in Past 3 Months

A new report, leaked Friday, claims that global warming is accelerating more rapidly than first thought. Bryce Gravyson, Environment Canada’s recent winner of the “Most Likely To Bring Us Down” and “Employee Hot Dog Eating Contest” awards, brought the report forward, claiming “The people need to know this [expletive deleted].”

The report points to recent temperature trends across Western Canada. “Look at the data,” says Gravyson. “In January, the average daily temperature was -28.7° C. So far in March, the average daily temperature has been 2.4° C. “This type of drastic temperature swing hasn’t occurred in nearly a year. At this rate,” Gravyson concludes, “Saskatoon will be bakin’ like Jamaican by mid-May, and be a desert wasteland by the end of the summer.”

Quoting Swedish garage-punk trend-rockers the Hives, Al Gore, formerly the next President of the US, remarked, “I hate to say I told you so. All right.” Gore added, “One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one,
it's the loneliest number since the number one”

Despite the overwhelming evidence, some still deny the existence of global warming. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper remarked “My gut tells me global warming is untrue. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true. That's cause you looked it up in a book.” When shown the data, Harper commented “What am I, a brainiac on the nerd patrol? I’m no member of the factinista.”* Harper went on, saying “the real cause of global warming, if it ever happens for real, is the environment itself, and those tree-huggers who love it so much.”

Commenting from the White House, US President George “Dubya” Bush said “As long as there are scientists doing real science, the terrorists are winning.”

Opinion: "I am the Father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby"

I feel, with all the controversy surrounding my daughter, I need to fess up, and accept the financial rewards associated with what I have done. I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. I’m sorry it took me this long to admit it, but I am now fully prepared to take care of my daughter’s, whose name slips my mind at the moment, significant financial inheritance.