BOTTOMLESS COOKIE JAR HITS BOTTOM!!

Disaster recently struck the Lutheran Campus Centre as the so-called bottomless cookie jar hit bottom. The unexpected cookie shortage has left the Centre in as state of anarchy, confusion, and despair.

Student reaction to the crisis has been mixed, although most leans towards the negative. “I’ll actually have to buy groceries this month,” said one student. “I didn’t budget for that. I was really counting on those cookies.” When told about the food bank, the student remarked “I guess I’ll survive.”

Other students are more shaken. “For me, the bottomless cookie jar represented God’s infinite gift of grace. Now I don’t know what to do. It’s like my whole image of God has been shaken.”

Students aren’t the only people affected by the shortage. Earlier this week campus chaplain Pr Bonita Falkenberg left the city under the guise of attending a pastoral conference. It is uncertain if Pr Falkenberg is securing more cookie resources or obtaining psychiatric help to deal with trauma caused by the catastrophe. As of the time of writing, Pr Falkenberg had refused to return our calls or emails.

Reasons for the shortage are unclear, although there are several theories floating around. The recent rain and cold temperatures causing early season arthritis in many ELW ladies’ baking hands, an odd

“I guess I’ll survive”
- concerned student

state of planetary alignment causing a rift in the space-time continuum, or the recent federal government crackdown on chocolate chip smuggling have all been attributed as possible causes of this disaster. American president George W. Bush commented that “as long as there is a cookie shortage, the terrorists are winning.” No one knows for sure when the cookie levels will return to normal.

While the future remains unclear, some students have chosen to stay positive: “Hey, instant diet. All right!”

Newcomer suffers AOA!!

A relative newcomer to the LCC recently suffered an AOA(1). John Smith (named changed due to privacy laws) succumbed to the mental terror that is AOA Tuesday on his walk from LCC to STM sometime after M&M. JS was picked up by EMS and is currently recovering in the ICU at RUH. Dr. D. Franklin said JS is “on the road to recovery but has a long way to go. We thought JS was DOA, but were glad to realize it was a misdiagnosis.” Franklin went on to describe AOA as being “like a torn ACL, but in your head.”

USSU VP of student issues Ashlee Smith wasn’t sympathetic to JS’s cause. “At the university level you are expected to be able to handle these sorts of things.” The LSM executive was equally indifferent to JS’s request for compensation, saying “He’s SOL.”

LSM chaplain Pr Bonita Talkenalot was concerned about JS’s spiritual health during his recovery. “In situations like this I always ask myself, ‘self, WWJD?’. Then I PUSH, you know, ask JC to work His magic. The STU is really supportive. You know I really learned to FROG during CPE at LTS.” [sic]

Details surrounding JS’s attack are unclear. During his last known conversation he was invited to SNL and the LSM AGM. It is reported he ran away screaming “Not ACA, Not ACA(2)”

1. AOA – acronym overload attack
2. ACA – another Christian acronym

Group proposes time shift

A group of individuals calling themselves WTHIMSEA are proposing a time shift. WTHIMSEA, which stands for Why the Heck is Morning So Early Anyway?, is proposing that no university activities begin before 10 AM. “The world needs to realize that as students we have many important late-night activities, such as partying and philosophical and theological debates that go on into the early morning. These sorts of responsibilities fit in perfectly with the University’s goals of independent learning as well as creating a networking environment in which students can make valuable business contacts.” The group has a meeting today with U of S President Peter MacKinnon, and another later this week with Premier Lorne Calvert. “We really would like to see no university activities before noon, but we understand that change takes time and are willing to take steps to work towards our goal.”