National Church Restructures

An In-Depth Analysis

With a decreasing consumer base and the tithing revenue stream waning, Bishop Suzette Johansen announced, in a letter to the Church on April 8th, 2008, a massive restructuring of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada at the national level. With current soul-saving rates at “unacceptable” levels, Bishop Johansen and the National Church Council have developed a five-pillared plan they hope will abate the CDO’s (Chief Divine Officer) wrath while attracting increased investment from shareholders. Johansen admitted she “knows you only need three pillars to hold up a structure . . . maybe even just two and a half if the two full pillars act as crutches and the half is like a stubby, gnarled leg,” but justified using five pillars “because the CDO has already tried the three pillars with the whole ‘Trinity’ thing, which seemed to accomplish little more than confusing the heck out of people.”

While the most pressing reason for the restructuring was a decrease in shareholder investments, Johansen is proud of how quickly the administration moved to fix the problem. “The CDO called, and we moved immediately, absolving our stewardship position in order to stop the bleeding. We fired the person in that position immediately, without notice, in order to maximize savings.”

Bishop Johansen’s letter, while informative, is written in church-speak and is hard to follow for the average lay person. Therefore, the Travestical has done an in-depth analysis of the five pillars, and translated what they mean into unambiguous language.

Pillar 1 - Effective Partnerships. By effective partnerships, Bishop Johansen means increased mergers and outsourcing. “We’ve been in full communion with the Anglicans for a while now, and we’re looking to increase the incorporation of our churches.” The restructuring plans also include talks of mergers with the Presbyterians, the Methodists, and even Roman Catholics. “It’s been nearly five hundred years since we, you know, stuck it to them,” remarked Johansen. “They should be over it by now.” If successful, the merger will create a protestant super-church that could rival both Evangelicals and Muslims in lobbying for God’s attention. Unfortunately for the restructuring plan, the deal does depend on Catholics admitting that they were wrong and we were right, an admission that pundits “don’t see coming anytime soon.”

Even if the merger plans fail, the restructuring plan calls for increased outsourcing, with current in house projects being contracted out to different agencies – Kairos getting the Stewardship of Creation program, the United Church getting Human Rights and Justice, the Anglicans and Catholics getting Liturgical Development.

Pillar 2 – Diverse Faces. “Basically,” says Johansen, “our fashions have really become stagnant. The men of our church are always clean-shaven or fully bearded, and the women settle into conventional, conservative hairstyles. Boring! So, we’re encouraging men to try a variety facial hair styles and women to let loose and express themselves with a crazy hairstyle!” Clergy contracts will contain bonuses for “crazy and hip hairstyles,” including up to a $2000 annual bonus for a mohawk/handlebar moustache combination.

“The Mohawk-goatee combo is worth a $1500 bonus, but when used in tandem with a giant sword gains the maximum $2000 bonus.”

Diverse Faces also refers to the artwork adorning the walls. “Nearly every church in the country has those two pictures of Jesus, the headshot and the one with the lamb in the stone doorway. And those two old people, praying before they eat! Ugh. Hello, 1953.” The restructuring plan encourages churches to hang pictures of Jesus doing “hip” and “cool” activities, such as surfing, bocce-ball, or watching High School Musical 2 on a big-screen plasma TV.

Pillar 3 – Compassionate Justice. “Of all the five pillars,” Johansen claims, “this is the little stubby one that we keep only to enhance our public image. It’s kind of like green-washing, where corporations pretend to be environmentally friendly but don’t really care about the environment. I mean, given the Jesus’ emphasis on social justice, we need to at least pretend we care.”

Pillar 4 – Focused Framework. “This is somewhat related to the Diverse Faces pillars,” Johansen explains. “Those pictures we do have hanging in our church are often framed in those gaudy-looking, wooden, gold, crown-molding frames. So not hip. So, we’re insisting that when congregations get their new, action-Jesus prints, they frame them in something less vomit-inducing.”

Although Johansen is unsure of how exactly, Focused Framework also has something to do with the structure of the church. “One thing is,” she states, “we’re experimenting with video-conferencing technology in the parish,” Johansen explains, “which would allow me to become the sole pastor of a 620-point parish. As Lutherans, we’ve always believed in the ‘priesthood of all believers,’ so congregations can just pick up the slack themselves in other pastoral areas. Imagine the savings on pastoral salaries!”

Pillar 5 – Spirited Discipleship. “If you’re anything like me,” Johansen states, “you probably hate at least half the people you go to church with. It makes going to church such a chore!” In order to help people bear the burden of an hour-long weekly service, the restructuring plan calls for larger communion portions, especially of the wine, and an increase in the number of times communion happens in a service to three times per service. “The extra communion should help take the edge off,” Johansen claims. Additionally, churches are to begin offering beer, wine and spirits options for communion-takers. A preliminary survey of clergy shows the whiskey option as being the most popular.

In addition to the five pillars, the restructuring plan outlines the creation of a new national committee, the “Committee for the ‘Hipping’ and ‘Cooling’ of the Church.” “We’ve got an image problem,” Johansen admits, “and it is this committee’s job to fix that.” First on the committee’s agenda will be the “cooling” of worship. Ideas floating around include the “sex-ifying of clergy” through new, more revealing albs and changing the Bishop’s crook to a hockey stick, in order reflect Canadian culture and attract more jocks to church. Also, to help church seem more like a rock concert, congregants will be encouraged to “put their hands in the air like they just don’t care” during some of the more rousing hymns, such as “Earth and All Stars” and “Let All Things Now Living.”

Some proposed “sexier” alb designs, for both men and women.

It remains to be seen what affect, if any, the National Church’s restructuring plan will have on the success of the Church. One observer sums it up: “It’s like they didn’t realize they were on a sinking ship until they were half underwater, and once they realized it they began throwing everything overboard in order to slow their submersion, beginning with the lifeboats.”

The Lonely Chaplain Flip-Flop

Parents of university-aged Lutherans are in shock after Lutheran Campus Centre chaplain Pr. Raul Hartidaughter reversed his previous assertions and joined Facebook. Hartidaughter, in the Sept. 2007 issue of The Travestical, said “No, I am not going to be putting my profile on Facebook,” but has since joined the social networking site, much to the chagrin of concerned parents and students. “He betrayed our trust,” exclaimed one parent. “He may as well have told us he’s going to raise taxes.”

When asked about the change, Hartidaughter said that “all the campus chaplains across Canada agreed to join Facebook, in order to be able to use the communication technology students are using.” “Great,” said one parent. “A chaplain is supposed to be a role model, and he can’t even withstand a bit of peer pressure?”

A deeper analysis shows another reason for Hartidaughter’s change of face: “It’s a lonely job, being a campus chaplain,” claims Hartidaughter. “Students are so busy with school and extra-curricular stuff that I thought being on Facebook would help me be cool.” Unfortunately for Hartidaughter, when The Travestical visited his profile page, he had no friends.

The list of Raul Hartidaugher’s Facebook friends.

“Lucky for me,” Hartidaughter explains, “I’m pretty introverted and don’t really like people anyways.”